


To Our Moira

by theJuniorRoyals



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Artist Donghyuck, Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Jeno, i don't know how to tag, renjun loves to spiral, sexually suggestive content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:28:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25018534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theJuniorRoyals/pseuds/theJuniorRoyals
Summary: moira- (n.) a persons fate or destiny.In which Renjun, an anxiety-ridden insomniac, takes a well deserved vacation on a quaint lake house. Insert Donghyuck, a mystery of a person that Renjun has a hunch to solve, and Jaemin, a stand-offish asshole that needs to compete for attention. He thought the lake would offer him peace and quiet, a place to sort out his jumbled brain, but instead only brought him more stress and trauma than he ever would have bargained for.This isn't how it was supposed to happen.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 28





	To Our Moira

**Author's Note:**

> me be like: let me write a fic where i put a character thru absolute distress cause its the only way i can write.
> 
> I know yall love slice of life and while i would consider writing a SOL for the clout of it all i just can't its so boring i'm sorry i need some trauma to spice it up.
> 
> back again for the longest single chaptered fic i've ever written and this is one hell of a ride. Thank you to all my loyal readers and thank you for any comments on this, it is always appreciated and it really keeps me motivated. 
> 
> big apologies in advance for this one.
> 
> my twitter is @/glsstblgrls if you want to talk about the fic or just to chat overall, enough of this, here we go. thanks again for being my audience. <3

It was almost as if the silence of the house was mocking him. As soon as he shut the door, it was the only thing enveloping him, entering his lungs, drowning him. Renjun sighed, almost afraid to look around, as if there would be something lurking around the corner, like his nightmares came to life and manifested themselves in the small lake cottage. He let another few seconds of silence pass, feeling a bit worried when absolutely nothing broke it, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. He swallowed. He can’t live in this fear forever.

Renjun dropped the bags he had brought by his feet, letting them hit the ground with a significant thump, the floor creaking along with it as he took his first steps forward, trying to tell himself that he wasn’t scared of anything, and he would be fine.

It was a cute house, no doubt about that. The room he had walked into was furnished nicely, with a simple couch and some accent chairs, a small coffee table set in the middle. The walls were a warm beige, which Renjun never would have chosen himself, but he could move past it as he was sure he wouldn’t be spending much time in that room at all. Past the threshold of the family room, he entered the kitchen. All of the appliances lined up to his right, the sink was straight ahead with a long, narrow window spanning from both ends of the wall. The last thing he noticed about the room while walking towards the window was a door tucked into the left corner of said wall, leading to a small, screened in patio. He rested his hands on the edge of the counter as he gazed out the window.

Renjun happened to arrive at the lake on a sunny Tuesday morning. The sky was a crisp blue with clouds sprinkling in here and there. While it wasn’t blisteringly hot like he was used to, the breeze cooled his skin enough to where he was sure he would be able to sit out by the shore without feeling droplets of sweat falling down his spine, pooling in the fabric of his clothes.

From what he could see right now, Renjun almost entirely forgot about all the worry he had stepping into the place. As far out as he could see, it was a forest. Green, leafy trees surrounded him, and while this thought would normally make him panic with the idea that anyone—or anything—could be out there, it was comforting. It could have been in the shape, the bounciness of the leaves, or the shade of green, the delicate deep to pastel hue that they held among the mist in the horizon. Whatever it was, Renjun felt an odd sense of security. Straight ahead was the lake. It was very big for a lake, he could almost barely make out the opposite shore, if it weren’t for the houses that littered the land down there. The water reflected the crystal-clear sky, and he could see people and families alike taking a relaxing row in their canoes on the surface. The occasional bird went flying by, and he saw a squirrel run up a tree trunk to the right.

He backed away from the window, walking towards the door that lead to the patio. It was a white door, a half glass, 9-panneled door with a simple doorknob lock and a chain latch. He glanced out as he fumbled with the chain latch, finally opening it and stepping out.

The patio was nice, surprisingly very taken care of, no signs of cobwebs in the corner and no holes in the screen. There was a sofa against the wall of the house, looking out onto the lake, another coffee table, and excess space around the screen. Renjun figured he could put some of his supplies here, like the table and his pottery wheel. That reminded him that he still needed to get more things from his car. He would do that later.

The fresh air felt so nice on his skin and in his nose when he breathed in, it was almost instantly washing away his worries. He looked to the right, directly to the left of the door he just came through was a screen door that led to the back of the house. He immediately went over and unlatched it, stepping down the wooden steps and onto the gravel of his backyard. He looked up and noticed the house was sat under a big tree, and most of his property was covered in shade. He didn’t mind too much, as the sunny shore was still very close, and he could sit there if he wanted.

He kicked the rocks around, kind of at a loss of what to do with himself from here on out. He came here to release so much pent up stress and to focus on his hobbies, but how would he even start? Was he supposed to spend the next few weeks hunched over his pottery wheel making too many pots for himself? Would he even have room for all of them once he was finished?

He looked back towards the house. For a second, he thought that this house had some looming secrets that were going to swallow Renjun up in the middle of the night. Like there was a lake monster that was going to pick his lock and kidnap him. He shut these thoughts down, as they were immature and straight out of a movie, but he didn’t silence the way they bounced around in the back of his head. He always was cautious, so it was nothing new, but he had to be extra cautious in this new environment.

The sun dipped behind a cloud momentarily, and Renjun squinted when it came back out. He heard some splashing and screaming way down, and saw children jumping and swimming in the water. He didn’t realize it was this kind of lake, the kind safe enough to swim in it. It looked clear enough right now, but that was only under the disguise of the reflecting sun. He walked closer, slipping off one of his slides and stepping in.

It was cold, the kind of cold that sent electricity all along the limb that came in contact with it. He felt numb for a second, ignored it, and realized the longer he stayed in, the less he could feel it. It was refreshing, he had to admit, compared to the glistening heat of back home. Just thinking about that weather made him feel instantly warmer, already enjoying the brisk temperature of the water. He retracted his foot and slipped it back into his shoe. He stood there just watching, and once the water was still again, he saw the surface ripple as fish came to the top and darted back down.

He felt a prickling at the back of his head and already knew he was going to have to take more medication tonight. He wished so badly that he would be able to go one night without a medicated sleep, and wake up in the same spot he fell asleep in. Tonight, unfortunately, would not be that night, and he just hoped that some night in the upcoming weeks it would be.

A loud crash resonated from the house to his left, a good 50 feet or so away, and he could see through an identical screened in patio, someone struggling with large pieces of what looked to be wooden beams. He didn’t know who lived there, not even a name, age or gender, so he didn’t move from his spot on the shore, and he just watched the chaos unfold. The person stumbled, he could see now it looked to be a boy, maybe around the same build as his own. He stood still for a moment, it looked like he kicked something to the side and started fumbling with the wood again. Renjun could see from this far away that it was actually an easel, as a large white square (which Renjun assumed was a canvas) was placed on top of it. Renjun turned around and went back inside.

He was back at a loss of what to do later that night, he felt the anxiety seep in more as the sun went down. Instinctively, he reached for the pill bottle, as if he were about to fall asleep and needed the assistance right now. He looked to the clock, it was only 8:36, the last bits of the sun dipping behind the trees at the far end of the lake. He had brought in the rest of everything he had brought from his car an hour earlier, leaving everything piled up in the kitchen, deciding to leave it for the next day.

He felt like he was rooted to the kitchen chair, he couldn’t move or else it would give away his location. From what? Nothing but his nightmares, of course. The logical side of his brain knew that he was being ridiculous, that there was nothing here waiting to snatch him up, but the other side of his brain, the side that he calls the ‘hallucinating side’ was telling him that the moment he went to sleep, everything would come alive. The figures that he sees in his deepest moments of sleep were here, hiding in the other room, watching him and his every move.

With a deep breath in, he urged himself to stand up and walk around. He put the lights on to the hallway before walking over to the kitchen light switches and shutting those off. When he hit the light and everything went dark, his eyes were drawn to the window, and the light source that was coming from the house to the left of him, which seemingly held the artist male. Renjun wondered who else lived there as he saw a larger male walk out the front door and into a running car at the end of the driveway. He saw the boy who lives there run out, large bag in hand, and what happened next was vague through the shadows. Renjun thought what he saw was the man who had left get out of the car, speak to the other boy while standing very close to his face, and he shoved the smaller boy backwards. The boy addressed them further, arms out as if to dispute something, but the passenger side door was shut in his face, and they drove off. The boy stood there for another second, and turned around and went back inside. Despite this being out in the open, with anyone around, Renjun felt like he was intruding on them, he wasn’t supposed to be watching. He turned around and headed down the hallway, fiddling with the cap of his pill bottle.

Renjun woke up on the kitchen floor. He wasn’t surprised by this.

He went through the work of setting up his small pottery station on the patio by the lake, and he sat down with intent to start something new, and he found himself back at square one every time he tried: a regular clay pot.

The sun was high in the sky, Renjun assumed it must have been close to 1pm, and he had his hands covered in wet clay. He looked at the pile in front of him. He wished he had the ambition and creativity to make something other than the standard planter, but he had never been good at creating right off of his ideas. That was, even if he had any ideas to begin with.

There was a knock on the outside door behind him, causing him to jump. He took his foot off of the pedal and turned around.

It was someone who he didn’t recognize, upon first glance.

“Didn’t mean to scare you. I live next door. Saw you out here, and thought I would stop by and say hi. I saw you moving in yesterday.” Renjun took a quick glance at the door to the house to make sure it was shut, then walked over to let him in by pressing on the handle with his elbow.

“I’m Donghyuck, by the way. Sorry, again.” Donghyuck walked by Renjun and took a seat onto the empty sofa next to where Renjun had set up his temporary studio. He took a seat.

“Renjun. Sorry about the mess, I still haven’t found a good spot for any of this.” Donghyuck shook his head.

“I can relate. I have all my work shit out here, too. It’s the best spot you’ll probably be able to find that doesn’t feel so stuffy like in the house. The air while working is therapeutic, you know? For me, at least.” Renjun nodded.

“I might just leave it out here, it’s way too messy for inside.” He chuckled lightly. “What do you do?”

“I’m an artist, I do oil paintings.” Renjun nodded, at a loss of what to say, only because the first thing that came to mind would be far too rude to say to someone he just met. He bit his lip, struggling to think of something. “Say it.” Donghyuck interrupted is thoughts. Renjun looked over to him, feeling his hair fall into his eyes. He raised an eyebrow in question. “I can tell you want to say something. I can handle it.” Donghyuck flashed him a sly grin. Renjun gulped.

“I—uh, as a hobby? Art as a hobby?” Renjun tried to word it carefully.

“If you’re trying to ask how I can make a living off of art, you can say it. I get that a lot. I don’t do it as a hobby, I sell the paintings for a lot, I’m a realistic painter. I get commissions from almost everywhere. You’d be surprised how much people will pay for a painting of a person that looks real.”

Renjun nodded, suddenly curious. “Can I see some of your work?” Donghyuck pulled out his phone from his back pocket and started scrolling. Renjun took these next few seconds to look him over. He looked to be around the same height and build as him, he had a brown creamy colored hair that was long and fell right to his eyes, parted in the middle. Donghyuck’s features were soft—round jawline and a cute nose. He looked like he had wider shoulders than himself, but it was hard to tell as the boy was covered by a deep purple sweatshirt that he had rolled up to the elbows. Donghyuck’s collarbone was peeking through, the smooth skin that covered the contours of the surface was almost enticing, and Renjun shocked himself with that thought. He was not that type of person, but for some reason he felt like it in front of Donghyuck.

“Renjun?” Renjun’s eyes snapped up to meet Donghyuck’s, the other boy had a raised eyebrow and a knowing look on his face. Renjun shakily exhaled.

“S-sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” Renjun averted his eyes and looked down to the other boy’s phone, distracting himself from being caught looking by scrolling through the art that Donghyuck was showing him. His eyes widened when he realized just how good Donghyuck was, he wasn’t kidding when he said he was realistic. “Do you do it from memory or pictures? They’re really good.” Donghyuck pocketed his phone, as he was scrolling through them himself, with Renjun’s hands being covered in quickly drying clay.

“Thanks. I use photo references and a lot of the time, if I can find willing subjects I do live models. That’s usually my preferred method.”

Renjun nodded, and then slowed the movement to ask, “Live models? All of your paintings were, um, naked?” It came out as a question, but he wasn’t even sure what he meant by it.

Donghyuck’s stare was rich, Renjun could tell he had so many words to say behind his eyes, and he wanted to know what he had to say. Renjun had a feeling he already knew.

“Yeah. Working with live models is just easier. It’s more fun that way, too. You would understand if you were a painter.” Donghyuck just kept staring, and Renjun had to look away. He desperately looked for a change in conversation.

“So—so you live over there right?” Renjun stuttered, and pointed to the house to his left. Donghyuck nodded. “But you came from that way?” He pointed in the opposite direction. Donghyuck nodded again.

“Yeah, the new guy just moved in next door, do you know him?” Renjun shook his head. “His name is Jaemin. I went and introduced myself, I would have come to you yesterday, but I was a bit caught up.”

“With work?”

Donghyuck let a few seconds go by. “Yeah, been doing a lot to stay busy. Accepting more commissions than usual just to pass the time. I work relatively fast.”

“That’s good news. Hopefully it will be impacting your bank account greatly.” Renjun smiled politely, while Donghyuck just feebly nodded, still intent on starting at Renjun.

“So, you’re a potter? As a hobby or job?” Donghyuck struck up another conversation.

Renjun nodded. “Yeah, it’s just a hobby. I’m a web developer for a small company back home. I don’t live out here, I just am taking a much-needed vacation.” Donghyuck nodded again. “I started this as, like, stress relief, I guess, and I just started making more stuff for myself and friends and what not. Although, I really can’t make more than a pot or a big pot. I tried vases, but, they come out all fucked.” He shrugged.

“Could I ask you to make me one?” Renjun looked over at Donghyuck to see if he was serious or not, and it seemed he was. “Name your price.”

Renjun shook his head. “No, no, it’s just a hobby, I can make you one with no cost.”

Donghyuck shook his head back. “If it’s worth your time to make it, I can pay for it. Seriously. I have a big indoor tree that I’ve been needed to repot for so long but I can’t find the right size pot that I’m looking for. I think you’d be able to help me out.”

Renjun was quiet for a second. “Yeah, of course, I can help you, and I’m not very familiar with prices, so, just whatever you think is appropriate.” Donghyuck nodded with a small laugh falling through his lips.

“Do you want to come to Jaemin’s with me later tonight? He invited me over to eat tonight, but I can go back and tell him to make room for one more.”

“Oh, it’s okay I don’t want to intrude. Don’t worry about it.”

“Not intruding, joining. I think you might like each other. If you think it might be awkward, that’s also fine, not forcing you to come after all.” Donghyuck stood up. Renjun followed him with his eyes, almost wanting him to stay just for the company. “It was nice meeting you Renjun. One of these days I’ll show you the plant I need a pot for, and I won’t let you not accept money for it.”

“Alright, thanks, Donghyuck. I’ll see you around.” Renjun let Donghyuck let himself out, and as he was walking by to go back to his own home he tapped up on the screen as a last greeting, and Renjun watched his figure disappear through his doors.

Why did that simple meeting leave Renjun so… speechless? Donghyuck was nice, sure, but he had such an odd way of carrying himself. He spoke with his shoulders so high and mighty, he was so confident. Like he knew everyone was going to flock after him. Renjun had a distaste for people like that, they acted so high and mighty, but Donghyuck seemed like he wasn’t acting at all. Like he was just that charismatic. Renjun didn’t have a problem with him, and he didn’t see anything wrong with him upon first meeting, it was strange though. The way that Donghyuck just walked right over. Did he know everyone on the lake? Was he friendly with only the people directly besides him? Why was Renjun wondering so much?

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go to Jaemin’s later tonight. He didn’t even know him yet, it would be weird to show up to his house when none of them really even know each other that well. He just met Donghyuck after all, and Donghyuck had just met Jaemin, and Renjun and Jaemin don’t even know each other. Renjun was sure it would be awkward as hell, how much could there be to talk about? They could talk about their jobs and stuff, hobbies, what they’re doing at the lake. Renjun doesn’t even live there, why would he reveal why he’s there to these people that he doesn’t even know? If Donghyuck liked him, well…

But why does Donghyuck’s intuition matter to him so much all of a sudden? He barely knows the guy. He just met him. Yet, he felt so haunted by his presence.

He didn’t think he was going to go. He felt no obligation to go, he didn’t even want to leave his house at all. After all, Jaemin only invited Donghyuck, not Renjun, too.

He retired the clay working and went inside less than an hour after Donghyuck left. If the house had no presence when he got there, it sure did now.

When the sun was setting, he dragged over an Adirondak chair that was sitting on the side of the house. It was a little dusty, but he brushed it off and brought it up to shore. He heard the crickets in the trees above him and could hear the splashes of water as fish surfaced. He had his phone in hand but wasn’t inclined to use it, he was enjoying the quiet scenery around him. He kicked a couple of rocks into the water and leaned his head back, making the best of the end of his first official day there.

As he was getting up to drag the chair back to the corner of the house, he was drawn, once again, to the only light source on the lake. It was coming from inside Jaemin’s house, which was slightly closer to him than Donghyuck’s was. He could see through the long sliver of window the two standing up and laughing with each other, walking back and forth. If Renjun was smart at all, he would say that they looked a bit drunk. But what did he know. He didn’t want to chance drinking before having to take another pill. He saw one of the boys (he couldn’t differentiate between the two, they were both fairly similar in height and build) place his hand on the others elbow and lean in with a hearty laugh. That was when Renjun continued backwards, turning his head away for good.

He popped another Ambien before he slept that night. He woke up on his bedroom floor.

Renjun looked at himself in the mirror and realized he must have smashed his forehead on the way down to the floor, as there was dried blood around a small gash, and a quickly darkening bruise. He touched it a little more than he should have, prodding at it and wincing when it obviously hurt. He wondered if he should stop taking the Ambien. He could deal with the sleepwalking, but he was worried now that he caused physical harm to himself. He knew he couldn’t stop though, he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. What’s a little pain to a lot of sleep, after all?

He noticed that he failed to bring along any first aid with him, it wasn’t even in the back of his mind at all. He sighed, trying to think of any alternatives to use. He rummaged through the cabinets, finding not even a tube of antiseptic, or anything else the previous owners left behind.

Renjun walked out into the kitchen and caught Donghyuck through his window, crossing his yard and heading over to what he assumed would be Jaemin’s. He ran outside, seeing as it might be good to ask for help.

“Donghyuck!” He called as he opened the door. The boy turned, and Renjun forced himself to focus on what he needed to ask, and not the fitted black shirt that was hugging Donghyuck’s torso and upper body. Donghyuck walked over.

“Morning.” They walked closer to each other. “Shit, what happened?” Donghyuck leaned in to examine the cut.

“I fell off my bed last night. I guess I hit my head on the nightstand on the way down. Anyway, I was going to ask if you had anything for it, I didn’t bring anything with me, and no one left anything behind.”

“You don’t seem to have great luck with sleeping then, I guess.” Donghyuck breathed a laugh. Renjun forced a grin amid his fluttering emotions. “Wait here, I’ll go grab something for you. You caught me at the right time.” Renjun nodded and followed him with his eyes as he walked away.

What was Donghyuck doing up so early? And why was he going to Jaemin’s? Renjun only assumed he was going to Jaemin’s, there was nothing else in that direction, and he was there last night. He looked so awake and ready for the day, meanwhile Renjun had just stumbled out of bed and put clothes on, and he was now all beat up. Renjun felt embarrassment shoot through him, and he was confused as to why, he was never the type to be meticulous about how he presented in front of other people. He walked up the patio stairs and into the house, leaving the kitchen door open for Donghyuck to come in. There was no point in loitering around outside waiting for him.

After another few minutes, the sound of Donghyuck on the gravel outside garnered Renjun’s attention, and he looked up as Donghyuck let himself in. Renjun stood up from the kitchen chair to see what he had.

“I found some antiseptic, some band aids, and alcohol wipes to clean it. Just in case.” Renjun looked it all over.

“Thanks, I really would have just left it like this.” Renjun went to take it from Donghyuck, but the other pulled away.

“Let me do it for you, I can see it better from here anyway. Sit down.” Renjun, for some reason, didn’t even attempt to retaliate, he just sat down and let Donghyuck do it for him. He stood over Renjun, and warned him about the sting before he leaned it with the alcohol. He winced, but it wasn’t anything compared to the way the cut was erratically throbbing. Instinctively, he closed his eyes, wanting to give in to the feeling of being pampered, but all it was, was just tending to an injury. It was putting Renjun to sleep, which is something only the Ambien can do.

Donghyuck finished with gently pressing a bandage to the area, and Renjun took the scraps from him to throw them away. As he stood to take them, Donghyuck sat down. Whilst Renjun was closing the cabinet door from the trash, Donghyuck interrupted his empty thoughts.

“Do you have insomnia?” Renjun just looked at him.

“I’m sorry?” Donghyuck didn’t turn, but simply pointed to the pill bottle behind him. Renjun didn’t realize he had left the bottle on the table. “Oh. Um, yeah. I try not to take it that often,” Lie. “Just when I feel like I can’t sleep. It’s annoying, though.”

“Is that why you said you didn’t sleep well?” Donghyuck inquired. “I don’t deal with insomnia personally, but I know it’s a pain in the ass.” Renjun didn’t meet his eyes.

“Yeah, it sucks. I’m asleep for a long time when I take it,” He looked at the Ambien bottle. “But, I sleepwalk sometimes.” All the time. “Wake up everywhere but my bed.” He breathed a humorless laugh. “It’s annoying.” Donghyuck was just watching him speak. Renjun was feeling restless under his stare, and Donghyuck seemed to absolutely notice this, he wouldn’t let up on it.

Donghyuck nodded as Renjun finished talking, leaning back in the chair, and Renjun swore he saw Donghyuck look him up and down. Renjun felt hot.

“So how come you’re here?” Donghyuck asked. Renjun seriously wondered ‘who does he think he is?’ with the way he could give Renjun such a sultry look, and ask a question and pretend it never happened. It was almost aggravating.

“I just… wanted to get away for a bit. Tired of some of the people that I’m around all the time.” Donghyuck nodded again. “Seems like a nice place to live though. It’s quiet. Peaceful. I’m only here for a few weeks, though.”

“Yeah, I like living out here. It’s much better than the city where I was a few years ago. I’m just more of a nature person, so, I love having the opportunity to live here by myself.”

Renjun nodded and let a few seconds of silence pass. “Were you ever scared?” Donghyuck tilted his head in question. “To be alone? Out here? I was kind of afraid of that myself.” Renjun’s cheeks heated up at the confession. “I don’t like being alone, but, I needed to be eventually.” Renjun didn’t make eye contact. He knew what kind of look he was probably being given.

Donghyuck licked his lower lip and breathed a laugh through his nose. “At first, but, I know how to defend myself. I make sure everything is locked at night. I’m a light sleeper, so I tend to hear everything.” Donghyuck nodded to himself. “Are you?”

Renjun looked up, and hesitated with his answer. How embarrassing it would be if he admitted that at his age he was afraid of being alone. Yes, he wanted to lie, but the look in Donghyuck’s eyes made that impossible. “Yes.” He looked down again. “Of the people, I guess. Intruders, murderers, you know.” He sighed. “Just… scared of who’s lurking. I guess.”

Donghyuck’s mouth quirked in a smirk. “I get that. You never know what kind of people are out here. You think you can see everything with no modernity in the way but, that just makes it better to hide in plain sight.” Donghyuck sat still. He looked around once, then continued. “But out here, even then with less people, it’s much easier to know you’re alone. Just be safe. Lock everything, know the house well, keep a light on. You’ll be okay after a while.”

Renjun didn’t move when he finished, just sat and watched him talk. Donghyuck sighed and stood up. “I was actually on my way to Jaemin’s, he needed my help with moving some of his stuff, so, I better get going, but listen,” Donghyuck faced him as he stood. Renjun wanted to stand also, but he felt like his limbs wouldn’t work. “I want you to come over for dinner tonight, I’m cooking. Not to brag, but, my homemade margherita pizza is quite delicious.” Renjun gave a weak smile. “I think it would be nice. Come by later.” Donghyuck flashed him a grin. Renjun nodded. He would have said goodbye, but Donghyuck was fast with letting himself out. Renjun sighed.

Why did Donghyuck make Renjun feel like this? This was merely the second time he had ever seen him, but for some reason it was like every time he came around, Renjun was rendered immobile, unable to speak. Donghyuck was nosy, why did he have to comment on the bottle of Ambien? If he knew what it was for why did he have to ask if Renjun was an insomniac? Shouldn’t that be common knowledge? Even then, why did Renjun just give up the information to him? Sure, he cut some corners to hide just how bad he felt it was, but he could have dropped the subject. Why didn’t he?

He sat there, unmoving, thinking about what was happening. Donghyuck wanted him over tonight. Renjun would go, because at least he knew Donghyuck a little better than he knew Jaemin, who he didn’t even know at all. Donghyuck had said he was going over there to help Jaemin move. Why did Renjun’s chest get tight when he said that? Renjun was not a jealous person, and it found it especially odd of himself to be jealous of someone he hasn’t even met. He doesn’t know what Jaemin looks like at all, so why was his head a mess at the thought of them being there alone together?

Yes, Renjun was afraid of being alone here. He was worried much more so about the humans that are lurking in the corners over some fantasy monster that his head creates during his occasional sleep paralysis in the middle of the night. Did Renjun just like Donghyuck’s company? He didn’t think that was the answer as much as he wanted it to be, he knew that anyone could have given him company, but there was something about specifically Donghyuck’s that made his head spin. Renjun knew he wanted to be near him more. That knowledge frightened him, he hadn’t ever felt that way about someone.

Renjun sighed and finally stood up, trying to will all the thoughts about Donghyuck out of his brain.

He passed the time by trying something new with the wet clay he had set up on the patio. He tried the vase, and while it came out better than the other times he had tried it, it was still oddly shaped any lumpy, so he scrapped it, and instead worked on a big pot, like Donghyuck had requested. Despite not knowing the size, he felt like what he had was good enough, and if not, he would keep it for himself, much like everything else he has ever created.

Renjun wanted so badly to distract himself by focusing on creating a new sculpture, but the caramel haired boy always managed to sneak right up in the crevices of his mind. He knew it was no hope in trying to push him out by the fifth time he had found himself thinking of Donghyuck, he had to just give in at this point and let the boy live in his mind. He was almost afraid of how he would react tonight at dinner, he had never had this worry before, but Donghyuck was all new territory.

Renjun was not an innately sexual person, but he felt like it with Donghyuck on his mind. It had to be something about the way he looked, what else could it be? It was also in the way Donghyuck looked at him, Renjun could see in his eyes that he was being looked right through, like Donghyuck had access to all the thoughts Renjun hadn’t even unlocked yet. That thought was frightening, he had no idea what Donghyuck thought Renjun thought of him. For some reason, he felt like they were on the same page—which Renjun had quickly come to the bottom line of. Donghyuck was attractive and Renjun wanted to get sucked into the life of Donghyuck.

As hard as he tried to switch that answer, Renjun knew there was no changing it, in the back of his head he knew that was the utmost truth.

He sat at his pottery wheel and stared out onto the lake. He had no idea what kind of shift in the energy had happened that had changed almost his entire demeanor once getting there, but there was something strange in the air here, and it was getting to Renjun.

He looked down and flexed his hands into fists, cracking the quickly drying clay covering his skin. He threw the lump of wet clay back into the bucket and stood up, roughly dragging his hands across his apron. He walked into the house and started to clean up, knowing that it would be no use trying to clear his head after this.

Eventually, after desperately willing the time to move faster, it was an appropriate time for him to head next door. He settled on the most neutral thing he could wear, a pair of dark jeans and a light blue sweatshirt, pushing up the sleeves to his elbows.

With every crunch of the gravel under his feet, he grew more anxious. Why, though? It was just dinner with a friend. He didn’t need to act a certain way, he surely wasn’t going to pretend to be someone he wasn’t, especially since it seems that Donghyuck can see right through him. He forcefully pushed these thoughts to the back of his head as he was stepping up the patio steps, heart rate rapidly increasing.

He opened the door, he figured he should just walk in since Donghyuck had no problem with it, and he felt nervous all of a sudden when he heard a voice from the kitchen. It wasn’t Donghyuck’s, he definitely knew that much, and he felt betrayed for a second, thinking Donghyuck had only invited him. He gulped and pushed open the kitchen door.

He saw Donghyuck first, back turned to him as he was facing the counter. He turned when he heard the door open, and he smiled when he saw Renjun walk in.

“Hey, Renjun, great timing.” He pushed off the counter to greet him, and revealed another boy standing behind him. He wasn’t an idiot, and he assumed that was Jaemin.

Now, he was extra caught off guard. He probably showed up last to this small dinner party and both of them were looking at him, and Donghyuck was quickly approaching him and Renjun felt hot and Jaemin was also attractive—as it turned out—and Renjun could probably pass out right now.

He was only half conscious when Donghyuck came over and greeted him with a hug, which wasn’t helping Renjun’s mental state at all, he smelled so… ‘manly’ was the only word that could be used here, strong cologne that filled Renjun’s nose and went straight to his head like adrenaline. He walked him over and introduced him to Jaemin, and it was in fact him. Renjun forced a smile through his foggy consciousness and shook his hand, which was soft to the touch, and Renjun was yelling at himself, begging himself to act normal. What was wrong with him? He’s in a room with two of the most attractive people he’s ever met and suddenly he can’t function? This wasn’t like him at all. He almost wanted to step outside for air—but he just got there.

“…and Jaemin, Renjun is a potter, as a hobby, I forgot what you said you actually were, sorry.” Donghyuck gave a sheepish smile. “I asked him to make me a replacement for that,” Renjun looked to where he pointed, and willed the shape of the plant into his memory so he could think about something other than the overwhelming masculine presence in the room. Renjun, ashamed, realized he was too busy zoning out to pay attention to what Jaemin did for a living. He also regrettably realized he was zoning out again, and Donghyuck had said something to him.

“Sorry, what?” He heard Jaemin breath a laugh next to him, and his whole body felt hot.

“I asked what you actually do for a job.” Donghyuck’s stare was gentle, but all too powerful.

“Um, just a back-end web developer. For a local business… in my hometown.” Renjun nodded.

“How good is the pay if it’s only a local business?” A mildly intrusive question from Jaemin, and he almost sounded snarky about it. Renjun grit his teeth.

“Enough to keep me afloat.” He replied softly, looking up to Jaemin’s face. Donghyuck started talking, but Renjun was checked out again already. Jaemin eventually returned the stare, and Renjun could only hold it for a second before averting his eyes to the island counter top that they were all standing around. He could see in his peripheral, however, that Jaemin never turned his head.

Donghyuck rounded the island, and Renjun brought himself back to reality. “Hey, you guys can go sit in the other room, I’ll be there in a minute. Take a drink from the fridge, I have almost anything and everything.”

Renjun felt like he couldn’t move, he felt his muscles and joints tightening, a pain at the back of his neck, something that was never a good sign when it came to him getting any sleep that night. He forced movement, but barely anything happened. He watched Jaemin push himself off the counter and grab something from the fridge, leaving the room. Once he was out of sight, Renjun felt a bit looser, but it wasn’t a big help. As he went to move, Donghyuck was suddenly right next to him.

“Are you okay?” Donghyuck’s tone was low, so that only Renjun heard, and without looking he knew he was close. Too close. Renjun couldn’t look over to meet his eyes, he knew Donghyuck’s face would be right there, and he didn’t want to know what his mixed inhibitions would do. Renjun could feel his whole body pressed up against his left arm. He was getting hotter by the second, he felt like he was going to spontaneously combust.

“Yeah, yeah. I-I’m fine. I’m fine. I just—” But there was no ‘just’. He had no explanation for this himself, but he needed to come up with one fast. “I-I just…” He kept stuttering, and the more frustrated he got with himself for stuttering, the more he stuttered. He sighed angrily.

“Are you warm? Your face is so red. I can give you a shirt. I know you are right next door but, it would save you the time. Plus, it’s dark out. Don’t want you to have to walk over alone.” Donghyuck backed away, but only to face him further. Renjun was choking up.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m okay.” Renjun gulped.

“If it’s Jaemin, I know he comes off as stand-offish, but, between me and you, I think it’s just because he likes me and he’s jealous of how close we are.” Donghyuck whispered. How close they were? Did Donghyuck already think they were that close? Or was it just because Donghyuck knew all of Renjun’s feelings before he himself knew them?

“No, I’m… I just… Where is your bathroom?” Renjun couldn’t make eye contact, but figured that it was a good enough excuse to get away from this interaction.

Donghyuck let a second pass, and it seemed to sadistic to Renjun, it was like he just wanted to see him squirm. “It’s that door right there.” Donghyuck pointed, and Renjun immediately left with a small ‘thank you’.

Once in there, he shut the door and leaned over the counter, feeling all of the emotion overflowing. He turned on the cold tap and cupped his hands, pooling them and pushing his face into it, desperate to cool down. He did a few times over, reveling in the cold feeling, biting at his cheeks, but he didn’t care at all, it felt far better than overheating in the middle of the two men.

He gripped the sink, not wanting to look at his reflection, knowing his cheeks would still be beet red, and that would only cause further unrest in his mind. Without warning, he broke down to a silent sob, feeling hot tears cut through the cold liquid on his face. He brought his arm up and bit on his sleeve that had fallen to his wrist, using all of his strength to not make any noise. Why did he feel like this? What did any of this mean? Why did it seem like Jaemin was laughing at him the whole time, and what did Donghyuck mean by what he said? Was Jaemin jealous? Did he think he and Donghyuck had something? Renjun was in no mindset to entertain that idea, so he let it slide for now.

The only reasonable explanation he had for this was crying was the only way to express all of these jumbled feelings that he had. It was a new territory, he didn’t know anybody, and it just so happened that the first two people he meets happen to be attractive young men. He was overwhelmed, and he never had to deal with this many feelings at once.

He looked up to the ceiling as if to push the tears back into his eyes, letting the last few fall down his face before turning the cold water on again. After a few minutes, with his cheeks looking somewhat less red than they were before, he left the bathroom, not looking forward to any further conversation of the night.

“Here,” Donghyuck approached him as he exited the hallway. He handed him a cold can. Renjun didn’t bother to check what it was, he would probably drink it no matter what. “Go sit down in there, I’ll be there in a minute. You’ll be fine.” Renjun attempted another ‘thanks’, but was met with silence as his vocal cords failed him. He went to said room and sat opposite of Jaemin on an accent chair. Amid his distress, he did note that Donghyuck decorated pretty well.

“What happened to your head?” Jaemin said. Renjun reached his hand up, feeling the band aid that was still pressed into his skin. He had forgotten about that, and it only happened this morning.

“I—um, I hit my head last night, and it bled, so…” He trailed off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

“How?” Jaemin pressed. Renjun questioned to himself why he wanted to know so bad, but he didn’t confront him about it.

“I fell off my bed.”

Jaemin briefly laughed. “I haven’t done that since I was five. Must’ve been a hard fall.” He lifted his can of whatever and took a sip. Renjun didn’t reply, as he wasn’t sure what to say to that, but he was pretty sure that Jaemin thought he was a fool for managing to fall off his bed at 20 years old. Renjun closed his eyes for a few seconds, feeling them sting behind his eyelids.

“Um, what do you do for work again?” Renjun asked. He figured any conversation was better than no conversation right now.

Jaemin looked over at him, almost annoyed, and Renjun regretted asking. “I work in social media marketing. We were talking about it while you were standing there. Does everything just go in one ear and out the other with you?” Jaemin raised an eyebrow.

“I—Excuse me?” Renjun choked out, feeling put on the spot and simultaneously called out. That wasn’t true at all, he listened, he was a great listener, but not exactly when he is on the verge of a panic attack.

Jaemin looked like he was about to reply, but Donghyuck coming through the threshold cut him off. “It’s looking good guys, come to the kitchen and grab some for yourselves.” Donghyuck said with a smile, it looked all too forced. He definitely heard. Jaemin was the first to excuse himself, and Renjun stood up, knees feeling wobbly.

As he passed Donghyuck, the other boy grabbed his elbow to slow him down. He pressed his face close to his ear, and Renjun felt his breath tickle his face. “Don’t listen to him, okay?” He gave Renjun a nudge, and he kept walking. He wanted to go home.

The dinner went by with minimal conversation, but most of it being between Donghyuck and Jaemin. Renjun chimed in whenever he was talked to, but for the most part, he stayed quiet, and didn’t eat that much as he could barely stomach it. He appreciated Donghyuck for having him over, but he really wanted nothing more than to leave.

After dinner, however, they all stayed sat around the table, continuing their conversing, and Renjun made a last-ditch effort to be involved before going home for the night, so he seemed at least a little bit interested.

“You have your own paintings hung up everywhere, honestly, they’re fucking incredible.” Jaemin boasted. Donghyuck laughed.

“Thank you. Buying art is so expensive, so what’s the point in buying it when you could just make it yourself? I feel like I’m really the only one who knows my taste and style the best so if I can do it myself, then why the fuck not, you know?” He smiled. Renjun knew his smile would be burned into his brain.

“What was the last one that you did?” Renjun asked, feeling proud of himself for the little contribution.

“I’ll show you, it’s in the other room, I need to find something to do with it.” Donghyuck got up and left the room, leaving the two alone again. Renjun felt nervous, afraid to speak.

“How old are you?” Jaemin mumbled. Renjun met his eyes, he didn’t look angry anymore. He looked like he realized his mistake, but it felt like a trap to Renjun. Maybe he was just paranoid.

“20. You?”

“Same.” Renjun nodded. He didn’t know what else to say. He heard Donghyuck walking around upstairs. “Do you like living alone?” Jaemin asked again.

“Um, not really. I have some… sleeping problems that I need someone there for, but, I need to be alone at some point in my life to get used to it.” He sighed. “I have a roommate back home, but, I came here alone.” He saw Jaemin nod. Nothing more could be asked as Donghyuck entered the room. Renjun silently thanked him for that. He didn’t want to have to explain anything he just said.

“This is the last one that I did.” He propped up the huge canvas on a kitchen chair. It was amazing in person, it depicted a young male, probably around his age, he was shirtless, leaning his head back so only the underside of his features were visible, and he had an arm draped over his body. The canvas cut off right below the waistline, where the button of the jeans and zipper were undone. He seemed very toned. Renjun suddenly felt self-conscious.

“This is Jeno. He used to live here, he actually just left a day before you both came. I meant to give it to him but, he disappeared so quickly… so it’s mine now.” He took it down and leaned it against the wall. He sat with a sigh.

“Seriously, you’re crazy good.” Renjun nodded in agreement with Jaemin’s statement. Donghyuck lowered his head in thanks.

“It keeps me busy, and I love doing it so, it keeps me going.” He smiled. “I’m definitely looking to start a new one. I’m also looking for…” He let some silence hang in between his words. He looked Renjun in the eyes, then turned his head to face Jaemin. “Some more willing candidates to sit still for a few hours. Whenever they come along I guess.” Donghyuck grinned. Renjun knew exactly what he meant by that, but he wasn’t going to say anything. By the looks of it, and the rest of the work that he had been shown yesterday, most, if not all, of the models were half or fully naked. Who knows what Donghyuck would have asked him to do. Renjun, in another world, would have been down for the new experience, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to be so vulnerable in front of someone who gets his heart rate going.

“If you’re asking,” Jaemin said slyly, he leaned forward on the table. “I’d be willing to participate.” Donghyuck looked at him, a small smile gracing his lips.

“Do you know what you’re getting into?” Donghyuck teased back. Jaemin laughed.

“Of course. Don’t think I didn’t notice a running theme here.” He looked up to the wall next to him, where another painting resided. It was a naked couple holding each other, with some gold accents. Renjun looked back at the two, who were now looking at each other with a joking smile on their faces. They were flirting. Renjun felt sick.

“I’ll set up a time and date.” Donghyuck finished. He looked behind him. “Wow, it’s already 10. Time flies, huh.” Renjun couldn’t swallow, he felt frozen again. He was zoning again, as hard as he tried not to, he couldn’t help it this time. He heard Jaemin ask for drinks, probably alcohol, and he snapped out of his reverie long enough to catch Donghyuck offering him something.

“What?” Renjun asked. Donghyuck was looking at him.

“Do you want a drink? I have Prosecco, I have a shit ton of nips, I got Fireball, Smirnoff, other shit, I could make—”

“No,” Renjun cut him off. “No, no thanks. I can’t drink.” He sounded too stiff, even to his own ears. He didn’t watch Donghyuck anymore as he replied.

“Oh, right. Forgot. Sorry about that.” He continued pouring drinks for him and Jaemin, and Renjun looked over, not meaning to, but making eye contact with the other boy at the table. He looked like he wanted to ask why he couldn’t drink, but Renjun did not want to answer that question, and he suddenly started feeling hot all over again.

“I need to go.” He stood up too fast, he almost went lightheaded, but he fought it, and he pushed in the chair.

“Already? I can walk you over if you want, it’s dark out. Are you okay?” Donghyuck asked him. Renjun could only process one of those questions at a time, he was feeling way too many things at once and he felt like he would have another breakdown if he didn’t leave immediately. Renjun shook his head.

“No, it’s fine, I can go myself. I just need to… to go. Thank you, for having me, it was nice, but, I have to go, I’m sorry. Thank you.” He didn’t look at anyone and he didn’t wait for a response before he left the kitchen door and went out the patio. He was harshly inhaling the cold air as he walked over to his house, feeling the air freeze the inside of his lungs and coat his tongue and throat. The gravel was filling his ears as he walked over it, he didn’t turn around to see if anyone was watching him either, he had one goal and it was to get home.

He was hyperventilating by the time he opened the patio door. He was way too lightheaded to even think straight, to even try to find his bottle of Ambien, he couldn’t even stand up. He tried to steady his breathing, but it only made the head rush worse. His legs gave out.

Renjun managed to sleep that night without the Ambien, but only because he passed out on the kitchen floor. He woke up in the same position the next morning.

He jolted awake by a loud banging coming from somewhere in the house, and his heart rate immediately sped up as his first thought was someone was trying to break in. He tried his best to sit up, all of his limbs feeling sore and his head throbbing, and when he looked down, there was a small pool of blood on the floor. He jumped again when he heard the loud banding, and turned in the direction of it, which was behind him at the kitchen door.

“Renjun! Can you hear me?” He saw Donghyuck banging on the window, and he got up to let him in, stabilizing himself on anything possible. He opened the door to the patio and let him in, feeling so lightheaded and ready to pass out again. Donghyuck dashed in and managed to catch Renjun before he fell again, and Renjun felt secure in his arms. Donghyuck walked him over to the patio sofa and sat him down, and he knelt right in front of him. Renjun could see he looked concerned.

“Holy shit, what happened to you?” Renjun wished he could answer that question, he honestly had no idea himself. He could barely remember anything.

“I… I don’t know. I just woke up on the floor.” Renjun steadied himself on Donghyuck’s arm, the pain going to his forehead was excruciating, and he wondered how the pain itself didn’t wake him up last night.

“Fuck, I think you smashed your head on something again, you have dried blood all over your face. Fuck,” Donghyuck went to stand up, and Renjun subconsciously tightened his grip on his arm. If he was in fine health, he would have asked himself why he did such a thing, but now he knew he just needed help, and couldn’t be alone in fear of losing his consciousness again. He could feel Donghyuck hesitate, but he pushed himself up anyway. “Listen, I’m going to get Jaemin to stay with you, he’s right outside his house, he’ll stay with you while I find stuff to help you, okay?” Donghyuck took Renjun’s hand off of his arm and gently leaned him backwards to rest on the sofa. Renjun let his head fall backwards and listened as Donghyuck left the room and ran over to Jaemin’s. He couldn’t hear any of them talking, but shortly after he left, he heard two sets of footsteps approaching and entering his patio.

“Renjun, listen, are you awake?” Donghyuck got close to him, and as he lifted his head to meet his eyes, he heard Jaemin mutter an, ‘oh, fuck’ at the sight of how disheveled Renjun was. “Jaemin is going to stay with you for just a few minutes while I go back to my house to get shit to clean you up, okay?” Renjun nodded, he closed his eyes again. He heard the other two boys talking to each other, and the door opened, and gravel was crunching as Donghyuck ran over to his house.

Renjun cracked his eyes open and saw Jaemin pulling the stool he uses for his pottery station closer to Renjun, and he sat right in front of him. Renjun went to rest his head in his hands, but Jaemin pulled them away, and in a quick action, he let Renjun rest his head on Jaemin’s shoulder.

“I don’t want you to touch your head, you could open that cut again.” Renjun didn’t answer, instead just closing his eyes and breathing in Jaemin’s scent. He discovered that he didn’t smell all that different from Donghyuck, and Renjun found that enticing, as he was attracted to the smell of Donghyuck. He could barely remember any interaction that he and Jaemin had had last night, any ill feelings he had towards the other boy for being so snarky towards him had faded away as he let Jaemin care for him.

Renjun turned his head, facing the smooth expanse of skin that was Jaemin’s neck. In this state, he almost had no control over himself. He was being drawn in by some mysterious force, it was like Jaemin was giving off pheromones that Renjun was incredibly weak to. His eyes were open, and he was just staring at his neck like he was so tempted to do something, and he almost couldn’t stop himself.

Jaemin brought one of his hands up and tilted Renjun’s head to the side. “Let me see what happened.” He felt Jaemin part through his hair and he felt his fingertips gently passing the skin around the wound. “Shit, you really hit your head hard. You have blood in your hair. Do you remember what happened?” Jaemin spoke softly.

“I think I passed out. I don’t remember hitting my head.” Renjun sighed. Jaemin was now combing his fingers through Renjun’s hair, and it felt so nice to him. He couldn’t tell if it was only because it was distracting from the pain, or if he was deprived of physical affection. Either way, he was practically purring at the way his fingers felt raking through his hair and gently scratching his scalp.

A few moments had passed before Donghyuck came back, and Renjun jumped when he burst through the door. Jaemin took his head off of his shoulder and leaned him back to rest on the couch, and Donghyuck was back to standing over him. Donghyuck put his hand on the side of Renjun’s face, and he felt himself lean further into his hand. He inhaled sharply and cursed when he felt the sting from alcohol touching his injury.

“I’m sorry, I know it hurts. It will be over soon.” Donghyuck’s thumb rubbed the smooth skin of Renjun’s cheek to help soften the blow of the stinging, and Renjun was squeezing his eyes shut trying to ignore the pain. He clenched his jaw hard.

“Can I have water?” He whispered. He heard Jaemin said yes and get up.

“Where are your glasses?” He asked from in the house.

“There’s bottles in the refrigerator.” Renjun sighed as he felt Donghyuck wiping around the cut to clean up the dried blood. Jaemin came back and handed Renjun the cold bottle, and he went back into the house once he handed it over.

“There’s blood on the floor, Renjun, I’ll clean it for you.”

Renjun tried to turn his head, but Donghyuck held him steady. “No, I can do it, Jaemin…” His voice was soft.

“He will do it.” Donghyuck said to Renjun, letting Jaemin remove the dried blood off of the kitchen floor.

As Donghyuck was finishing up, Jaemin came back out and took his previous seat on the stool. “I think you’re good here,” Donghyuck said to Renjun, and he carefully stepped away to make sure he wouldn’t fall forward. “You should go lay down. I’ll bring you to your room.” He handed Jaemin the scraps from the bandage and the alcohol wipe with Renjun’s blood on it and told him to throw it away. He gently lifted Renjun from the sofa and walked him through the kitchen and down the hallway over his arm.

They got to the bedroom and Donghyuck assisted Renjun in laying down. “Just relax, okay? Don’t try to get anything, if you need me, just call me.” Renjun looked at his phone on the nightstand, unsure of when it got there, and wondered when Donghyuck put his number into his phone. Donghyuck was about to walk away, but Renjun reached his hand out and grabbed Donghyuck’s wrist.

“Can you stay?” Renjun barely moved, all of his limbs were sore and he couldn’t even open his eyes, but he knew Donghyuck was looking at him.

“Okay.” Donghyuck whispered. “Just give me one minute.” Donghyuck left the room, and Renjun could feel himself slipping. He didn’t pay attention to the sound of where Donghyuck was headed in his house, but he could only assume he was going to talk to Jaemin. The more that Renjun was healing, albeit, very slowly, he wondered why he asked Donghyuck to stay. What had inclined him to do that? Did he like Donghyuck’s company enough to want him there as he slept so he wasn’t afraid? It was still probably early in the morning, he could only assume as he could clearly tell the sun was still out, and he had only been aroused from his unconsciousness less than twenty minutes ago by Donghyuck. What was Donghyuck doing that he even decided to come check on Renjun anyways? What would have happened if he didn’t find him?

Renjun could hear the kitchen door close a few minutes later, and Donghyuck’s footsteps down the hallway were getting closer. Renjun was facing away from him as he walked in, and he didn’t even have enough energy to turn if he wanted to.

“Do you need anything?” Donghyuck asked as he sat on the bed, Renjun’s body moving as it dipped. Renjun muttered a ‘no’ in response, and Donghyuck settled back, and Renjun guessed he was just wasting the time by scrolling through his phone. Renjun was drifting quickly, and he was shocking himself by how fast he was doing it without the help of any medication. The sound of his own breathing and the breathing from the boy next to him was enough to push him over the edge, and he was asleep.

When he woke up several hours later, he was facing Donghyuck, and he noticed the other boy had also fallen asleep. Donghyuck had one arm stretched out, and Renjun realized he was laying on top of it, and they technically were cuddled up next to each other. This, of course, sent Renjun into a spiral, and he didn’t know if he should move or if he should stay.

Renjun took a moment to think about curling right up next to Donghyuck, and letting the other boy hold him while they slept. It was such a masochistic thing of him to think, because the thought if it happening sent electricity down his body, and his stomach twisted at the thought. He was so drawn to the sleeping figure of Donghyuck, because while he was completely still and nonthreatening, not that awake Donghyuck was threatening, but he definitely had a strange aura about him, Renjun was still somehow captivated by him. He couldn’t figure out if it was the way he held himself that made Renjun so curious, or the way he looked. Renjun safely assumed in his own head that it was the latter, because Donghyuck wasn’t even awake right now.

There was no debate coming from Renjun’s mind—as much as he wanted there to be. He was nervous for some reason, like Donghyuck was awake and watching him do this, and he tried a few times to give himself the mental push before he actually moved his body. He rolled ever so slightly over, next to Donghyuck, and he felt the other boy return the closeness by pushing himself closer as well. Renjun panicked for a second, thinking he was awake and moved on purpose, but the deep breathing coming from him was enough to tell Renjun that he was completely asleep.

The warmth caressed Renjun, and he didn’t feel suffocated, but rather, secure, breathing in the natural scent of the other boy, and feeling himself go lightheaded. He drifted off again as Donghyuck threw his other arm over Renjun’s waist.

The second time he woke up, Donghyuck wasn’t in the room.

Renjun took a minute to gather himself before standing up, feeling less of a head rush than he did this morning. His feet hit the cold floor, but it was refreshing rather than cringe-worthy, and he carefully lifted himself and walked into the kitchen. Donghyuck was sitting at his table. He lifted his head when Renjun walked out.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Renjun sat next to Donghyuck and the other boy slid a water bottle over to him. It was still cold.

“What time is it?” Renjun grabbed the bottle.

“It’s 5:25. I’ve only been awake for like an hour. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, too.” Donghyuck raked his fingers through his hair, leaning back in the kitchen chair. Renjun sighed.

“I slept all day, I’ll never sleep tonight. Fuck.” He put his head in his hands, wincing when he leaned too hard on the injured side. Donghyuck stood up and walked to the refrigerator, pulling an ice pack out of the freezer and gently putting it on Renjun’s head. “I’m sorry if you had anything to do today.” Renjun let Donghyuck stand there with the icepack in his hands, leaning into his touch. “I didn’t intend for you to be here so long.”

Donghyuck breathed a laugh from above him. “It’s fine, nothing requires my attention that badly. Jaemin was a bit upset, I told him I would try to help him fix his screen door that he broke last night. After he left my house, he was so drunk he stumbled right through it.” Donghyuck laughed again, but Renjun failed to find the humor in the situation. “How come you wanted me to stay?” Donghyuck asked softly, and Renjun wished he hadn’t asked this question, as he didn’t have an answer.

Renjun took the ice pack from Donghyuck and the other boy sat back down. “I… I don’t know. Just… trying to sleep while I’m alone sometimes is hard.” Renjun’s voice was quiet, but Donghyuck could still hear him. “I wanted someone to be there in case I had another episode of sleep paralysis, which usually only happens when I don’t take anything before I sleep. I guess I was just scared.” Which, yes, was partially true, but Renjun hadn’t even thought about any solid reason before he asked Donghyuck to stay. Dealing with sleep paralysis while he is alone is equally terrifying and energy draining, and he knew if Donghyuck was there if it happened, some of the anxiety of the situation would be reduced.

“Does it happen often?” Donghyuck sounded genuinely curious. Renjun looked up at him, and the other boy was looking intently at him, leaning on the table.

Renjun swallowed. “Um, only when I don’t take Ambien, but, I really hate sleep paralysis, so I take Ambien more often than I should to fight it. But Ambien makes me sleepwalk, so, I never wake up in bed.” Renjun sighed again. He made eye contact with Donghyuck for a few seconds. “It’s a vicious cycle.” He gave a smile with no joy behind it. Donghyuck didn’t budge.

“Do you sleep better with someone there?” Renjun could probably guess what he was suggesting by this question, and it made his stomach twist.

“Well…” Renjun wasn’t sure how to answer this, so he could only approach the answer very slowly. “Whenever I was with someone I did. I don’t know why. But I’m still weary of it happening with someone, because there was one time it happened when someone was next to me… it was terrifying. I felt like I couldn’t save them. I know it’s nothing in real life but… Have you ever had sleep paralysis?” Donghyuck shook his head. “It’s like… well, I’m sure you’ve heard about what it’s like. But you see this monster or shadow or person or whatever, and there’s nothing you can do. For me… it’s a person. But I can never see their face. And they’re always just… standing around the corner. Staring at me. I can’t see their face or eyes but I know it’s looking at me. So that… that has been happening for so long, probably because of my eventual diagnosis of insomnia… but that led to my huge fear of intruders, I guess, so I just tend to feel safer with someone next to me. I take Ambien for the insomnia, but it makes me sleepwalk. So, I don’t know. I guess I do sleep better with someone there.”

“If I can ask this, why did you come out here alone if you are afraid of sleeping alone?” Donghyuck leaned closer to Renjun. They locked eyes. Renjun stuttered with his answer.

“I—um, I need to be alone eventually. I can’t make a habit out of sleeping with someone.” Renjun looked away, feeling his chest get hotter the longer Donghyuck’s stare went on.

“You can, though.” This statement alone made Renjun feel his heartbeat in his throat. Donghyuck was so low-toned and sultry with it, it was hard to believe he meant anything else by his statement. “Assuming you eventually want to live with someone, you can make a habit out of it now instead of getting used to being alone.” Renjun didn’t move, just looked at Donghyuck, and the look in his eyes were dark. “And… not saying it’s the case, but… even if you have a hard time admitting you don’t want to be alone… I’m sure there would be people willing to be the person you are looking to keep you company. It’s a normal thing to need someone next to you.” Renjun only looked at Donghyuck, and the other boy’s eyes were unwavering. Renjun had lowered the ice pack, arm tired from holding it up, and he didn’t even notice how his fingers were growing numb from the cold temperature. Donghyuck leaned even closer, but made it look natural. Or maybe it didn’t, not like Renjun would have noticed past his reverie. “Did you sleep well with me there?”

Renjun looked over Donghyuck’s face for the hundredth time, nothing changing, but so much more to see. His intentions took over for a split second, and his eyes darted down to look at Donghyuck’s lips, and back up to his eyes. There was no hiding that he did, he knew Donghyuck saw already. Renjun shakily inhaled.

“I don’t think I’ve ever slept that good.” Renjun could barely get the words out with all the fluttering that was clogging his throat. He saw Donghyuck quirk a small smile, one that was barely detectable, but Renjun was already looking at his mouth to notice. Donghyuck didn’t say anything. There was a thick coat of silence that covered everything in the house right now, and both of them just stared at each other for the next few second, before Donghyuck pushed himself off the chair and connected his lips to Renjun’s.

Renjun’s eyes fell shut and he pushed back into the kiss, marveling in the way the boy tasted, how soft his lips were, and the fact that he was gentle enough to make Renjun want more. His hands were almost shaking, and he wasn’t sure why, but he was overwhelmed with the sensation of Donghyuck’s face pressed to his, his body was moving on its own as he scooted closer to the edge of the seat trying to be closer to Donghyuck. The other boy’s hand found its way to the side of Renjun’s face, and Renjun lifted his head, letting Donghyuck’s hand rest on his jawline, his thumb tracing a pattern onto his cheek.

They pulled away but remained close, their foreheads pressed against each other, and Donghyuck leaned forward against just to gently take Renjun’s bottom lip in between his teeth. He let go as he pulled back. Renjun had no thought process at this point, he was fully captivated and he was certain that he wanted more, and that thought was a shock to himself. He was never that type of person, but something about Donghyuck turned him into that type of person.

It was something in Donghyuck’s eyes, the look he gave Renjun, the all-knowing look. Like Donghyuck knew what Renjun wanted before Renjun even knew. Like Donghyuck could tell there was someone inside the shell of Renjun that he wanted to break out. Like the aura of the lake house had brought out a person that Renjun had never met before, not in the form of Donghyuck but in the form of himself. In that moment, Renjun knew he wanted so much more from someone who he met only a few days ago, and anything he wanted was right in reach, he could grab it if he wanted, it was his for the taking.

Renjun leaned in again, and Donghyuck backed away teasingly. He smiled, and kept his forehead pressed to Renjun’s.

“Stay over tonight.” Donghyuck whispered, and Renjun felt the air from the words on his skin. He shivered.

“I…” Renjun didn’t even get a chance to finish before Donghyuck was pressing his lips to Renjun’s again, silencing whatever retaliation the boy had.

“It wasn’t a question.” Donghyuck kept the fervid look in his eyes as he stood up and headed out the door. Renjun sat in silence, stunned. There were too many things to think about, but the only thing on his mind right now was the fact that Donghyuck had kissed him. Did he technically do it first? Yes, since he was the one that leaned in, and Renjun couldn’t even argue with himself that he didn’t want it, because he did, and he knew that now he wanted more. He had no idea what shifted in the few days that he had been there. He was certainly not the person he knew himself to be anymore, and he didn’t know what to think of it. He wasn’t afraid of the change, he wanted to be someone new. He guesses he could thank Donghyuck for that.

The time went by slower than ever, but Renjun needed time to collect all of his thoughts before he went over. The fact that he didn’t even have an argument for staying overnight was concerning, he was just letting Donghyuck control his actions at this point. A part of him really didn’t have a problem with this either.

He also had no idea what time he should go over, as Donghyuck never said. He was sure the boy stayed up until the late hours, and he could really go over there any time he liked. Just thinking about being there all night made his emotions flutter up again.

One thing he was concerned about though, aside from Donghyuck, was how he was ever going to sleep tonight. He had slept all day, and while the tiredness from the aching was wearing away, he knew that there was no chance he would be sleeping for any reasonable hours. The thought made him sigh, he desperately wanted to be a normal person with normal sleeping hours that didn’t need any prescribed help to do so, but even if he tried that, he would be plagued with nightmares.

He was kind of embarrassed that he admitted that to Donghyuck. He still found it shocking that he managed to open up in such little time, and transform himself as a person without even realizing it. He didn’t have any answer as to why he gave away that information so suddenly, he just felt like Donghyuck should know. But why did he need to? Why did Renjun think Donghyuck needed to know? At the end of the day, Renjun was going to pack up and leave in a few weeks and he would probably never see Donghyuck again. So, why was it important that the information was relayed to him?

These questions did not leave his mind even all the way up to when Renjun found himself crunching over the gravel and crossing to Donghyuck’s house. The air was cool, and it looked like it might rain, but that was the last thing on his mind. He entered the patio door, and tried to open the kitchen door before knocking. He figured Donghyuck was the type of person to not care about Renjun welcoming himself in.

“Hello?” Renjun spoke into the house, hearing his voice reverb off of the high ceilings in the kitchen. He stood there for a moment and let the kitchen door swing shut behind him, thinking maybe Donghyuck would hear that instead. He looked around, and realize Donghyuck had a lot nicer of a house than what Renjun was staying in. Renjun’s had to have been built in the last two decades, but Donghyuck’s looked like it could have been just newly remodeled. There was a high ceiling in the kitchen that was made of almost entirely skylights, and they looked like they were cleaned regularly. He looked up at the painting of the embracing naked couple on the wall. It made him think of the conversation between Donghyuck and Jaemin at the table, and he looked away.

He decided to venture his way into the house. Everything was sleek and fairly new looking, and he wondered just how recently did Donghyuck redo everything, and how did he afford it if he only sells his art? Though he was curious, he would not ask that question.

The path forked, and he could either go straight into the living room or left to the hallway with the bathroom and… a mudroom? Renjun didn’t know what was down there, and while he figured he should stick to the more familiar route, he decided to turn left.

He walked past the bathroom, not stopping in, and kept going until he met a wall only a few feet later. To his right was the staircase, and further behind the staircase was said living room, that the staircase made a circle out of. He swung his head to the left and saw a door. He could only assume this door led to the basement. Nothing would typically be hair-raising about a basement door, but Renjun could not peel his eyes away from it. The door had seven locks on the outside.

“Renjun.” Renjun jumped hard at his name being called, feeling like he had been caught doing something he was not supposed to be. “What are you doing?”

“Um, looking. For you. I called out but… I didn’t hear an answer, so, I let myself in. Sorry.”

Donghyuck just stared at him, but Renjun could see no anger behind them for snooping. If it could even be considered snooping.

“No, that’s fine. Glad you did, but I was just upstairs. Follow me, we’ll watch a movie or something, hopefully you’ll get tired before we sleep.” Donghyuck turned and Renjun followed. He found with all of his will not to turn around and look back at the door.

Donghyuck led them into another room tucked into the corner of the living room, and Donghyuck shut the door behind him once they entered. A long, rather comfortable looking couch was against the wall and in front of it was a large TV. Just looking at it made Renjun sleepy. He was sure he would be comfortable very fast.

He was right, when he sat down he immediately sunk in and laid his head back, reveling in the softness. He was honestly thoroughly impressed by all the things Donghyuck has, and he again found himself wondering how Donghyuck bought all of these.

Donghyuck sat next to him and he felt the couch dip, and he straightened himself out. He almost wanted to lean into Donghyuck’s side, but he stopped himself before he did, knowing that if there was any time to want to cuddle up to the other boy, he could at least pretend to be asleep to do it.

“What do you want to watch? Horror?” Donghyuck asked.

Renjun made a noise of disgust. “No, please. I’ll never sleep until sunrise.” Donghyuck laughed.

“I’m just kidding. What kind of movies do you like?” Renjun was quiet and thought about it for a second.

“I don’t know, honestly. I don’t usually watch movies. I don’t have the attention span for it.” He heard Donghyuck laugh again.

“Then do you even watch to watch anything?” Renjun looked over, and Donghyuck was looking back at him with a playful smile. “Be honest, you won’t hurt my feelings.”

Renjun laughed. “No, not really. Not in the mood for it.”

“Good, I’m honestly not either.” Donghyuck sighed and threw the remote down on the other side of the couch.

“Hey,” Renjun said, surprising himself with speaking out before thinking over about it. “Tell me about yourself. I don’t know that much about you.”

Donghyuck was quiet for a minute, thinking over whatever he had to say. “There isn’t much honestly. I’ve lived here for a few years now, but I came in from around the area, a little more suburban than this. I come from a small family, no siblings, no cousins, that I know of at least, and I didn’t have many friends after graduating high school, so, I just came here when I wanted to leave. To me, being out here is just easier. I like being alone, it’s peaceful, mind-clearing. I don’t have to deal with other people nearly as often, because, like, I live alone, so who is there to worry about except me?” Renjun nodded. “I get to do what I love in a place that I’m relaxed in so, I don’t know. There’s not much to it.” Donghyuck looked over at him when he finished. Renjun didn’t have anything to say in return. Donghyuck opened his mouth to continue. “Do you think this would be a place you would want to live in the future?”

“Well…” Renjun started. “Honestly, no. It’s nice for a while, but, I need people around. I would just feel safer.” Donghyuck nodded.

“Shit,” Donghyuck whispered, and turned his head away as he yawned. “I’m never tired this early, I’m trying to stay up for you, I know it might be a while for you, so…”

“Don’t stay up for me. If you’re tired go to sleep.” Donghyuck looked over at Renjun without saying anything, and Renjun felt like he was being analyzed. He didn’t know what Donghyuck wanted to do now, if he was tired and he wanted to go to bed, he really could, it was his house after all. Yes, admittedly Renjun did want some company but he didn’t want to keep the other boy up until the sun comes up just to wait for Renjun to fall asleep.

“But I don’t want you to be lonely when I’m asleep.” Donghyuck said it so sweetly, it almost made Renjun sick. He didn’t know why that it gave him that reaction, he had already spent countless hours going over the reasons in his head of why Donghyuck made an impression so fast, but none of the reasons stuck as the most obvious.

As Renjun looked at the other boy, who was also looking at him, Renjun came to the conclusion that he had just never met someone like Donghyuck before. No one in his life had ever been so upfront, so unapologetic, and under the surface of all of that, so mysterious. Renjun knew there were so many chapters in the book of Donghyuck’s like that Renjun hadn’t even gotten close to reading, but he was so curious, he just wanted to skip the end and read the last sentence. Renjun had never met someone like him. The way Donghyuck holds himself as a person is so unlike anything Renjun had ever seen before in his life. And while Renjun was a fearful and weary person, he was attracted to things he didn’t understand.

Donghyuck continued when Renjun didn’t answer. “Let’s go upstairs.” He didn’t say anything else, but Renjun whispered an ‘okay’ in response, and he led the way in getting up and going up the stairs. He chanced one look at the door as they headed up, and, unsurprisingly, nothing changed. He felt an itch to go down there, but against his better judgement, and lack of understanding of who Donghyuck was as a person, he restrained himself.

The night passed, and as Renjun felt himself growing more tired, he knew that Donghyuck had fallen asleep long before him. He looked over at the other boy, who was laying on the side that faced Renjun, face still, and he looked rather peaceful. Renjun was jealous of how easily the boy slept.

A thought crossed his mind, and it seemed sinister, and asking for trouble, but he couldn’t help the way he entertained it for a moment. Donghyuck was asleep, and he wanted so bad to sneak his way around the house and investigate. He, of course, knew exactly what was meant by ‘the house’, as for some reason he couldn’t shake the need to see what was behind the door so bad. He wasn’t a nosy person, he never was, and he knew this. So, why?

In a moment of vanity, he went to swing his leg over the bed to do exactly what he was thinking about, but a fatal thought struck him down. He remembered Donghyuck talking about how he was a light sleeper. Was he kidding, or was it the truth? Was Donghyuck in a deep enough sleep for him to creep around the house? He really didn’t want to chance it. He kept his legs in the bed and laid still, willing himself to sleep with the sound of the other boys breathing to help. The night passed without any trouble, and he woke up in the same position.

The following day, Renjun sat idle at his pottery station, just thinking. He had a pile of clay on the wheel, but wasn’t pressing down on the foot pedal and wasn’t playing with it at all. He could see the top layer starting to crust over, but he didn’t care.

Nothing significant happened last night, but he wasn’t sure if he even wanted anything to. On one hand, he appreciated the gesture of Donghyuck wanting him to stay over so he could sleep better, and yes, he did manage to fall asleep before the sun rose, but he was awake for a few hours after Donghyuck had fallen asleep himself. He wouldn’t have minded being awake to talk to Donghyuck for a bit, and while he wanted that to happen, he also didn’t want to strain the other boy.

He didn’t know why he was so drained of any motivation. His mind was empty and he didn’t want to do anything except just sit around and be useless. He wished he had the motivation to try and create something, but he was blank.

Renjun was pulled out of his stupor by a car obnoxiously honking it’s horn from the front of his house, and a cry from someone. Out of curiosity, he walked over to the front of his house from the backyard.

There was a black SUV parked on the opposite side of the road and multiple other people standing around it. He walked over cautiously, seeing a woman who looked very distressed outside of the car, and other people comforting her. To Renjun’s dismay, he was spotted, and the woman called out to him.

“You!” She sounded upset, and Renjun waked over just because he felt bad. “Do you know where my son is?”

“Y-your son?” He involuntarily stuttered, and he did not know what other kind of answer he could give. He did not know who this woman’s son was, so he wasn’t sure exactly how much of a help he would be.

“My son, Jeno, he never came home, do you know where he is?” Renjun stomach dropped, knowing the name sounded familiar but couldn’t remember where he heard it. It had to have come from either Jaemin or Donghyuck, as they are the only two people he has spoken to since arriving on the lake.

“Jeno…” Renjun started, but he cut himself off when he felt a hand on his shoulder from behind him. Donghyuck forced his way past him and spoke to the woman.

“He left four days ago, ma’am,” Donghyuck forced himself into the conversation. “He said bye to me before he went.” She looked seconds away from a breakdown, and while Renjun wished he didn’t have to witness this, it triggered his memory of where he heard the name from. Donghyuck had showed him and Jaemin the painting that he made of Jeno, and he said that he just… disappeared. But now Donghyuck remembers that he did say bye to him? Renjun turned to look at Donghyuck, confusion all over his face. Donghyuck didn’t make eye contact, instead, he kept looking at Jeno’s mother. “I’m sorry if he never came home, but I remember him leaving.”

“Did he say where he was going?” She was choking up, and Renjun had to turn and walk away before he started crying, too. He didn’t hear the answer that Donghyuck gave her, he was too in his own head, trying to clear it.

He heard gravel crunching behind him, and he didn’t need to turn to know it was Donghyuck. When he did turn, however, Donghyuck seemed nonchalant.

“I had no idea Jeno didn’t go home. That’s crazy. I just saw him less than a week ago.” Renjun furrowed his brows.

“What? You said he just disappeared the other night? How could you have told me—and Jaemin—that he disappeared and now tell his mom that he said goodbye to you. If he said bye that doesn’t seem like he disappeared.” Donghyuck just stared at him, and Renjun couldn’t read whatever emotion was on his face. Donghyuck laughed lightly after a second, and Renjun felt almost insulted.

“That’s just how I talk. I meant he disappeared as in, he left so suddenly. Of course, I said bye to him. I would always have said bye.”

“Then what about the painting you made of him? You said he disappeared and you kept it because he never… I don’t know, asked for it? Didn’t take it before he left?”

Donghyuck stare didn’t waver. “He never wanted it in the first place. I asked to paint him, and we talked about negotiating a price because he offered to pay, but then he backed out saying he didn’t want it, but he would pay anyway out of generosity. I said no, I kept it, and he left suddenly. But I said bye. I always would.” Donghyuck tilted his head and reached his hand out to touch Renjun on the shoulder. Renjun pulled away.

“Donghyuck, do you know where Jeno is?” Renjun said in a very low tone, almost a whisper. Donghyuck stepped loser to him. Renjun didn’t move.

“No, I don’t. I wish I did, Renjun. Jeno was my friend. Are you accusing me?”

“Of what?” Renjun immediately fired back. Why did Donghyuck think he was accusing him? All Renjun was doing was calling Donghyuck out on his inconsistent truths, he didn’t think Donghyuck did anything, unless he gave him a reason to believe that. Renjun just felt like he knew more than he was letting on.

Donghyuck hesitated. Renjun could tell that he knew he was caught in a moment of fabrication. “Just…” Donghyuck started, and Renjun was surprised for a moment, as he had never seen the boy so undecided of what to say. “Of just knowing if something happened to him.”

Renjun sighed and looked at him. “No. I was just wondering if you knew, that’s it.” Renjun turned and went back into the patio door, bypassing the open bucket of clay and going into the kitchen, and shutting the door. He would deal with the clay once Donghyuck stepped away from his house. Renjun wasn’t sure why he was so angry at the conversation they just had, Donghyuck didn’t really say anything that set Renjun off directly.

It could have just been the way he handled it, and how he went back on his words. Why did Donghyuck say two different things if he only meant one of them? Was that actually how he talked, was the boy telling the truth? Renjun had no way of finding out, of course, but for some reason he felt like he needed to. He thought about the locked basement door again.

Renjun stood at his kitchen sink as he watched Donghyuck walk back over the rocks and stones and go into his house. Once he was sure he was inside, he went back to the patio and dealt with the lump of wet clay. He pressed on the foot pedal and forced himself to stay busy.

Twenty minutes later, someone was at his patio door. “Hey, Renjun.” Renjun turned around. Jaemin was behind the screen. Renjun waved him in, not wanting to get up as his hands were covered in clay and he had half of a pot made on his wheel. Jaemin let himself in. Renjun greeted him back as the other boy sat down on the sofa next to Renjun. “Have you talked to Donghyuck at all today?”

The question made Renjun mad. He wasn’t sure why it did, but the fact that Donghyuck was the first thing Jaemin wanted to talk about was frustrating. Why was he so obsessed with him? Maybe Renjun didn’t exactly want to listen to him go on about Donghyuck today, he just wanted to sit in his screened-in patio and make clay pots that were in reality useless because there was no way he could also bring the kiln to the lake to fire them up (which he only realized a few hours ago), and not listen to Jaemin talk about Donghyuck. But, because Renjun is a nice person at heart, he couldn’t tell the other boy to shut up. So, he entertained his topic for a while.

“Only once. Why?” Renjun didn’t turn to talk to him, figuring Jaemin could hear him fine, and Renjun wanted to tend to the misshapen pot in front of him.

“He seems mad. I texted him to come over earlier and he didn’t answer, so I called him and he told me he was busy but he sounded like… I don’t know, pissed off I guess. When did you see him?” Renjun bit his tongue. He wanted to ask Jaemin why he wanted to see Donghyuck and why the fuck it mattered so bad that he was pissed off. People have bad days, sometimes they don’t need explanations.

“This morning. I saw him in my front yard when there was this woman outside asking where her son was.”

“Who was she looking for?”

Renjun still didn’t turn. “Jeno. And I talked to him only for a second because what he said to the woman was weird so… I was just asking him what he meant.”

Jaemin was silent for a second. Renjun was honestly surprised that the other boy didn’t hear any of it from his house, as they were pretty close to him and Renjun heard it all the way from his backyard.

“Did you piss him off?” This caught Renjun off guard. The audacity that Jaemin had to ask such a forward question and not even sound apologetic about it was… troubling… to Renjun. He turned to look at Jaemin now.

“Why would you assume it was me?”

Jaemin shrugged. “I don’t know. He usually doesn’t get mad at anything so, maybe it was something you said. What did you tell him?”

Renjun scoffed. The nerve. “How do you think you know him so well? You and I haven’t been here any longer than each other and I barely know Donghyuck well enough except for the person that he shows us. I wouldn’t get how you would already know what makes him mad and what doesn’t.” Jaemin didn’t speak, but his eyes narrowed a bit. “And I called him out on some bullshit he said. The night we were both there for dinner he said he kept the painting he had of Jeno because he just disappeared and never took it. But he told his mother this morning that Jeno left a few days ago and even said bye to Donghyuck. But it made no sense. So, I asked him what he meant because they were two totally different statements. I don’t think I’m in the wrong here just for being curious.”

Jaemin leaned forward. “That’s how he talks.” Renjun turned back to his pottery and rolled his eyes so Jaemin wouldn’t see. “He probably got mad because you thought he was lying or something.”

Renjun heavily sighed. “If you want to know so fucking bad why don’t you go over there and ask him.” He kept tending to his clay, ignoring Jaemin and whatever dumb thing came out of his mouth next. He couldn’t believe the nerve that he had, being so forward with Renjun, and acting like he had been best friends with Donghyuck for so long.

Renjun heard him mutter a ‘fine’, and stand up from the sofa. Jaemin kept speaking as he went out the door and passed the screen next to where Renjun was. He never looked down at the other boy walking across his yard.

“I would think we are closer than you are, I spend more time with him and you’re hard for anyone to be able to talk to.” Renjun ignored it, but he knew those words would be bouncing around his skull all night. He watched as Jaemin made it to Donghyuck’s patio and entered. He assumed the door was open as he didn’t come back out for a while. Renjun didn’t bother wondering what they were doing in there despite how bad he wanted to.

But of course, merely fifteen minutes later, he found himself thinking of it. He didn’t even attempt to push it out of his mind, he knew it would be no use, they would still crawl back into his brain somehow.

He picked up the clump of clay, which he had attempted to make two different pots and fucked up both times, and threw it aggressively into the bucket and shut the lid. He sat hunched over on his stool, hands dangling in between his legs as he looked out onto the lake. He was never a swimming kind of guy, but he has to admit, the water has looked very enticing recently. He wanted to know how cool it would feel on his skin, and how refreshed he would be once he got out. He wanted to lay on a raft and float out into the distance and never come back. Just free floating. No boundaries. It sounded nice.

The wind cut in through the screen and Renjun could feel the hair moving on his forehead, tickling his eyelids. He felt relaxed right now, that was, of course, when he wasn’t thinking about whatever could be happening next door. He was free of that worry right now. He was just by himself with no worries in the world. He kind of liked this moment. He also kind of wished that this could have been his reality upon coming to this lake. Destiny had other plans, it seemed.

Renjun snapped his eyes open when he heard the door of Donghyuck kitchen burst open and Jaemin stormed out. Renjun felt a pang of guilt when he caught himself being upset that he couldn’t hear what was being yelled, he didn’t like to eavesdrop—usually. Jaemin made a move to do the same dramatic motion out of the patio door, but Donghyuck caught his elbow and stopped him. They continued to yell back and forth at each other, Jaemin throwing his arms up in an expression of, something, Renjun wished he knew.

Renjun could tell from his patio that Donghyuck looked mad, and it seemed like the way Jaemin was handling whatever was happening was only making him madder. Donghyuck yelled something back, Renjun heard his voice from where he was sitting. He put his head in his hands as Jaemin spoke back, and he took a deep breath, reaching out for Jaemin’s arm. Jaemin shook it away. Renjun had a déjà vu moment from this morning in his yard.

He watched as Donghyuck stood there, motionless, letting Jaemin say whatever he had to say, Jaemin using his fingers to point at the boy he was yelling at and shaking his head. The volume died down, and Renjun couldn’t hear anything anymore. Jaemin moved forward to say something to Donghyuck, and he went to leave through the door. Donghyuck caught him by the elbow, and this time Jaemin let him keep his hold. Renjun clenched his teeth as he saw Donghyuck bring his hand up to Jaemin’s jaw, and talk to him sweetly. Renjun could not hear anything anymore, as they were so close to each other. He felt sick watching. Donghyuck levelled his eyes with Jaemin’s, and he saw Donghyuck kiss him. He felt like he was choking as he watched him do it one more time, and Jaemin’s shoulders slumped in a lame apology. Renjun abruptly stood up and went back in the house.

The air was tight going into his lungs and it burned on the way out. He ripped his apron of and threw it to the ground, going to the sink only to wash the excess clay off his hands and then storming off to his bedroom without wiping them, water droplets trailing in the hallway.

He understood completely why he felt so nauseous at this moment. He laid down and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the restlessness of the night creep up his spine. He knew exactly why he had this reaction, he wasn’t an idiot after all the shit he had been through in such little time. Donghyuck had kissed him. Renjun would say he kissed him first, but now he realizes he has no idea if it was first or not, this is exactly the kind of thing that could have been happening when Renjun wasn’t around either of them and they were together. Renjun felt lied to, and that he wasn’t sure of, as Donghyuck never promised him of any fantasy that Renjun had created. Donghyuck never said he was the only person he had kissed in the last few days, he never said that he didn’t have Jaemin also sleep over, he never said that Renjun was the only one he had eyes on. Renjun felt cheated and he felt it for no good fucking reason as he was in his head more often than he had ever even spoken to Donghyuck. Renjun did it to himself.

Renjun was very tempted to take an Ambien in the early afternoon, wanting to be asleep for the rest of the day. He held back and took one an hour earlier than usual. He woke up face down in the hallway.

He dragged himself up, feeling his muscles strain, wanting to just go back to bed, but knowing he would only end up with another restless night if he did.

He found himself an hour later sitting on the sofa in the patio. He wasn’t doing any pottery, knowing he wouldn’t be happy with anything he tried to make. He had a mug of coffee in his hand, deciding that, even though he was never usually a coffee drinker, today would be a great day for it. The sky was clear, and he could feel the wind through the screen, and he felt relaxed despite his thoughts moving at a mile a minute.

There was no overwhelming urge for him to do anything today, it felt like a lazy day, although, almost every day there had been feeling the same, just with the added stress from his neighbors.

He was honestly unsure of how long he had been sitting there now, scrolling through his phone and empty coffee mug abandoned on the side table next to him. His phone was working well at distracting him from anything else he might be thinking about, namely two people who have failed to leave him and his thoughts alone for these past days that he has been there. He found them often sneaking back into his mind, and while he pushed them out more often than not, by the second hour that he was sitting there, he just let it happen.

Renjun found that he was curious about what both of them thought about him. Did they both actually think that he was hard to talk to? Was Jaemin speaking from experience or was he only speaking to hurt? Renjun didn’t think he was really that bad of a person, so quiet and closed off that anyone who tried to get to know him just gave up eventually. Especially recently he didn’t feel like that, as he told Donghyuck so much about his sleeping issues and his fear of being alone that he never would have told anyone within a month of knowing them, never mind four days. If Jaemin was just speaking to hurt, it made Renjun feel slightly better, telling himself that he wasn’t actually as reserved as it made him seem, but the comment had to come from some kind of aggression Jaemin felt towards Renjun. Maybe because of the Donghyuck comment.

Jaemin seemed so pretentious for no reason. Renjun didn’t want to dislike the boy, he obviously had a very sculpted face, one that sticks to Renjun even when his consciousness is aside at night, but he was so confused as to why the boy acted like he did. Was it really an underlying need for Donghyuck to like him better than Renjun? If so, that would be strange, as they both only knew him for the same amount of time, and it showed that Jaemin just had an innate need for attention and to be liked. Renjun really didn’t get along well with people who need attention so badly, so maybe that what was so of-putting about him. Renjun really didn’t feel like that was the answer though. He knew it had to be something else. For some reason, Renjun wanted to be liked by Jaemin. Was he turning into the very people that he hated?

He put his phone down and stared out onto the lake. The same thought about swimming crossed his mind. He knew he would never do it, but he entertained the idea. He wondered what was beneath the water. Were there fish in there? Was it way deeper than it looked? Was it barren? He didn’t think he would ever get an answer to any of those questions.

He heard the squeak of a door opening to his left and instinctively turned his head. He saw Donghyuck step out of his kitchen door and walk down his patio. He messed around with the easels that he had stored in there and brought one inside the house. Renjun remembered the conversation they had at dinner with the three of them, the night that he passed out in his kitchen and practically split his head open. His stomach turned at the memory.

Donghyuck came back out and stood there for a second, turning his head to survey the scene of the lake, and he turned to the direction of Renjun’s house. Or Jaemin’s, probably the latter, since Jaemin claims they are so close, there could have been no one else he was thinking about. But he turned his head further, and Renjun realized he was looking at him. If Renjun could see him, he was sure that Donghyuck could see him, too. Donghyuck opened the door to the patio and bounced down the steps, and he was headed for Renjun. He abruptly stood up and went back into the house.

He almost questioned to himself why he was acting like this. There was no reason for him to be, he thought, but then he realized there was. The way Donghyuck had acted toward both him and Jaemin was so… he acted like a high school fuckboy. And the fact that Renjun could make that comparison in the first place was wild. He didn’t want Donghyuck to be that type of person, Renjun liked Donghyuck, in more ways than one, and to come to the conclusion that Donghyuck just wanted to play around and see how far he could get with two people at once was sick.

He sighed. He knew there was no way he would be able to stay away from the other boy. Renjun was going to be here for another two weeks, how would he be able to avoid him for the whole fourteen days? He knew it was impossible. He knew he would have to suck it up for the time being, and if things go badly, he wouldn’t have to see Donghyuck, or Jaemin, ever again. It was only two weeks, after all.

Renjun sat in his room, hiding from Donghyuck, that was, if he was even headed to see him, and his suspicions were confirmed when he heard a knock on his kitchen door. The sound echoed down the hallway, and Renjun just sat on his bed ignoring it. Fuck it, Renjun could be an asshole if he wanted. After all, who told Donghyuck that he could do all this shit? Does Jaemin even know that Donghyuck had kissed Renjun a few nights ago? Does he know that Renjun stayed overnight at his house? Probably not, since he seemed to have such a pole up his ass about Donghyuck liking him more. It was a ridiculous game he was playing, and Jaemin was feeding into it.

There was a knock once more, twice more, and then nothing. Hopefully Donghyuck had gotten the message and left him alone. He had a feeling he would come back later in the night though. He needed a break.

He didn’t know where he was going honestly. All that mattered was he had his working phone and his address, because worst case scenario, he just punches said address into the GPS and it will take him back.

It was about an hour’s drive from the lake to the nearest city, and Renjun was surprised at the atmosphere of it. It was a little warmer in the city than by the water, which he could only assume was because of the breeze and tree shadows, but he found the warm air to be very inviting.

Renjun had never wanted to live in a city. Even though there were plenty of people around and Renjun wouldn’t need to be afraid of the void and emptiness of the dark corners of the world in a city, it still was a step in his life he doesn’t think he will ever take. The noise stressed him out. He needed to focus for his job, and noise was a huge factor in said ability to focus. He enjoyed the trip, however, as it was a refreshing change to the atmosphere that suffocated him for the last few days.

He knew he didn’t want to leave yet, though. He missed his home and his roommate, and the ability to find parking when he was just going to pick up snacks and drinks, and also how close everything was. He was feeling very tired of the same old thing, though. He knew that it wasn’t anything a good break couldn’t fix. He needed his own air to breathe for a while, just to straighten out his head, and try to see if it could fix his insomnia problem. He knew that was impossible, of course, but he didn’t want to depend on Ambien for the rest of his life. He didn’t need to become addicted.

While in the city, he stopped for food and shopped in the little antique stores that littered a few of the street corners, browsing through the thrift stores, and picking up a few more tools for his clay projects. He could only hope that seeing all the shapes of the vases he saw within the antiques would inspire him to keep going instead of sitting around and doing nothing with the supplies he brought.

He had been wandering for a while before he made his way back to his car and enjoyed the hour drive back to the lake house. He wondered why he hadn’t thought of doing that earlier, as he had his car at his expense right in the driveway, but the thought of taking a drive never crossed his mind before. He would have to do it more often.

When he pulled into his driveway, the sun was just about to hit the horizon. The sky was a cool blue mixing with the orange of the sunset, and Renjun felt at peace. His head was clear (clearer than it was) and he had the rare feeling that he would be able to sleep tonight.

Before retiring for the night, he dragged the lawn chair out from the side of the house and sat by the shoreline, listening to the lapping of the tiny waves. It was chilly now, and Renjun shivered for a moment, but settled back and relaxed, figuring the effort to go in and get a jacket wouldn’t equal the amount of time he would stay out there.

He leaned his head back and relaxed to the sound of the water and to the fading chirps of the birds in the trees above him. The fresh air filled his lungs and felt great compared to the staleness of the house air.

The all too familiar sound of a door creaking open and slamming shut broke through the tranquility. He whipped his head up and looked in the direction of the sound, stomach dropping when he saw Donghyuck walking towards him. He didn’t move, he knew there was no running away from this. If he did, he knew how bad it would look. He took a deep breath in as he prepared for whatever Donghyuck had to say to him.

When he approached, Renjun didn’t look up at him. “What’s wrong?” Donghyuck surprisingly didn’t sound accusing, which makes sense since he probably has no idea why Renjun was mad in the first place.

Renjun shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Bullshit.” Donghyuck fired back. “You ran away from me this morning and ignored me at the door.” Donghyuck gestured his hand in confusion.

Renjun scoffed quietly. “If you wanted company so bad you could have gone to Jaemin’s.” Renjun didn’t know why he was being so bitter. He could have just told Donghyuck what was wrong and moved on, but he didn’t feel like that was enough. Like Donghyuck needed to feel his anger.

“What?” Renjun didn’t say anything. “I want your company, too. I like you, you know. It’s nice to see you, too, when I can.” Renjun looked up now.

“Why? Just so you can fuck around with both us of whenever you feel like it?” Renjun stood up and started to walk back to his house, and he heard Donghyuck following him. He made no move to tell him to back away. He left the lawn chair on the shore. “I don’t know what kind of move you thought you made by kissing me and making it seem like you were coming on to me, but you’re not being discreet if you’re trying to.” Renjun turned to face him just before the steps of the patio. “I saw you yesterday. When Jaemin was at your house and he was yelling at you for some reason and you kissed him, too. Are we just both at your disposal?”

Donghyuck’s face didn’t change, and that only made Renjun more vexed. “Okay…” Donghyuck warily started. “I can see why you’re mad and I’m sorry you feel like that. I just… I’m not a monogamous person. I don’t like being with one person at once. And I should have said something. I’m sorry.” Donghyuck reached for Renjun’s elbow. He didn’t pull away.

Renjun looked down and shook his eyes, feeling so ashamed when he felt a stinging at his eyes. “Do you know what he said to me yesterday?” Donghyuck shook his head. “He said that I probably pissed you off because I’m not familiar with how you talk, he said that he and you are closer because I’m hard to talk to.” Now that he said it out loud, it didn’t deserve any of the reaction it elicited from Renjun. Maybe he really was being dramatic. “Like what are you guys saying about me? If you think this shit then you can’t turn around and act like how you do with me.” Renjun held eye contact as long as he could until he felt the tears spill, and he looked away to conceal it. Of course, Donghyuck saw.

“Don’t cry,” Donghyuck stepped closer to Renjun and lifted a hand to his face, swiping his tear with his thumb. He left his hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry that what he said bothered you. I don’t think that about you and we don’t say anything about you. The only thing I can say is he just wants to see me often and I let him. And yes, since you saw it, there isn’t any trying to hide it, not that I was, but me and him do have similar moments of… intimacy. But I don’t prefer him. So, don’t feel like that.”

Renjun had no idea if Donghyuck’s words held any impact. He didn’t know if they were hollow or if there was actually meaning behind them. To be honest, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know at all. He felt another tear slip down his face, and he wished that he could control his emotions like a normal person, but he knew that once it started now, it would be a while before it stopped.

“Listen to me, Renjun.” Renjun didn’t say anything. Donghyuck lifted his chin with his hands. “If you feel like I’m lying to you because of how I act, I’m not. I like you a lot, Renjun. And don’t think that I push you aside to be with Jaemin, I don’t. If I see Jaemin, it’s because he asks me to, and I would see you so much more if you came over. Literally, just walk in, I’m right there, you know that. And I come to you because I know you won’t do that. I was so confused this morning when you ran away. I really thought you didn’t want to see me anymore.” Renjun looked down, feeling guilt knowing that he made Donghyuck think that. Donghyuck lifted his chin up again. He connected their lips when he looked back up.

Renjun sighed through his nose at the contact, but pulled away remembering where they were. He subconsciously looked in the direction of Jaemin’s house.

“Are you worried he is watching?” Renjun didn’t say anything, just averted his eyes to the ground, feeling the last of his tear streaks dry up on his face. “I don’t care if he is. If he wants to be an asshole to you, he’ll have to put up with it.” Donghyuck brought his face close to Renjun’s and kissed him again. Renjun stood there, kissing Donghyuck in the breeze of the nearly finished sunset.

There was something to the art of kissing Donghyuck that made Renjun go crazy, every part of his body, and he was wondering how he got so lucky to be one of the people to get to experience it. His hand came up to steady himself on Donghyuck’s arm, and the other boy brought him closer. Their bodies were so close together it made Renjun forget for a moment that they were outside, and this sudden realization made Renjun pull away. Donghyuck quickly chased him just to bite on his bottom lip and pull away, teasingly.

“Come back with me,” This time, Renjun knew the full implications of Donghyuck’s words. His stomach turned, and he didn’t find himself wanting to fight it. He could argue that he wasn’t ready after barely a week of knowing him, but he knew him on a level that was beyond just words. At least, he hoped he did. “Will you come back with me?” Donghyuck whispered, and Renjun nodded. His chest was tight and he could barely breathe, but it wasn’t the kind where he needed oxygen, he was content with the way the burn made him feel. Especially when it was Donghyuck setting the fire.

The walk there, Donghyuck led him by his hand, and with every step, he felt his heart rate increasing. His stomach was practically in this throat by the time he led him into his house and all the way up the stairs, to the same bed that Renjun once slept in next to Donghyuck.

Maybe it was because he was nervous, or maybe it was because he was ecstatic, but what followed was a huge blur of ecstasy to Renjun. He remembered skin on skin and he remembered the way Donghyuck’s hands felt all over his body. The way he forgot any of his worries because in that moment, Donghyuck was the only thing that mattered. Donghyuck is the only thing that ever matters in this space, and the sound of the panting and the marks that Donghyuck bit into his skin and the bruises all over his chest from the tantalizing moment due to his mouth, it was all too much, but at the same time not enough. Donghyuck had a way of moving, he put his mouth all over Renjun and his teeth nipped at any areas of sensitive skin, not helping the blistering heat soaring through his veins. And when Donghyuck had been over him, face glistening and his necklace dangling down into Renjun’s face, Donghyuck placed a hand onto his throat and it was game over for Renjun.

Renjun stayed there overnight. No voice in his brain was telling him to go home, he didn’t want to and he also didn’t have the energy to walk back, even though his house was only right there. Donghyuck didn’t exactly kick him out, either, he embraced the other boy easily as they settled in for the night, the both of them being only half dressed by the time they both fell asleep at the same time.

Renjun doesn’t think he had ever felt more content in his time being at the lake, not any moments like this where he had been stress free, not tending to his lack of creativity or his own injuries, and not running away from his thoughts. Renjun had a thought that Donghyuck was the catalyst to all of this, but also the reason that he felt so free of it all. He could cause and also break down so much of the way Renjun had lived his life on this lake so far, and Renjun honestly didn’t feel inclined to change it at all.

The next morning, he had woken up and gone home, despite Donghyuck begging him to stay longer. The other boy understood, though, as Renjun didn’t want to be away for too long (despite ‘away’ being only about 50 feet), and he didn’t want to waste the day lying in bed with Donghyuck even though he did, admittedly, want to.

He was shocked by his appearance in the mirror as he looked himself over before he showered. He had red marks littering his neck from the way Donghyuck was biting him, and scattered patches of purple and blue on his chest and collarbones. He could feel the arousal rising in him again just remembering everything that had taken place, and he turned the shower knob to the cold setting.

That day was probably one of the most relaxed days he had ever had while since coming to the lake. Despite some things crossing his mind that he didn’t want to think of, or someone crossing his mind, he managed to keep a blank slate in his head, focusing on his hobbies. He managed to create more in one day than he did in the last week of being there, and he counted that as an accomplishment.

For the first time in a while, he fell asleep without any prescribed help, without anyone there, and no nightmares. He did leave the sheets a mess, however.

This day passed just the same as the last couple did, minus yesterday. He sat around for a while and found ways to entertain himself until something significant happened. Instead of being cooped up inside the screen, he decided to sit back on the lawn chair that hadn’t moved from last night and relax under the sun. He didn’t feel particularly inclined to do something today, and he found that sitting under the sunshine and trying to bring a little color to his skin worked just fine as a filler day. He lifted his head up when he heard the gravel crunching and turned his head to the source, squinting under the harsh sunlight. Donghyuck bend down and squatted next to Renjun.

“Hey.” Donghyuck greeted. Renjun replied the same. “I have a question.” Renjun didn’t say anything, just leaned his head back and let Donghyuck talk. He could see his eyes taking in the sight of his neck under the sun, but he didn’t bring it up if he was thinking something about it. Even though Donghyuck was the one who did it, Renjun felt insecure. “I was wondering if you would be willing to be a muse for me.”

“Like… paint me?” Renjun asked innocently. Donghyuck smiled.

“Yeah, if you’re willing to, of course. I know my art is… a little risqué, but, I can tone it down for you however you would like. I really want you to be my model though. I think it would come out very nice.” Donghyuck smiled at him and Renjun sat up a little straighter.

“I… I think I’m fine with however you want. I mean… I’ve seen your pieces that aren’t completely… exposed.” Donghyuck laughed through his nose.

“I want to let you know, though, the idea that I have in mind is a little different. I usually do solo pieces but, I want it to be a little bit of a change.” Donghyuck paused, and Renjun didn’t say anything, thinking he understood where this was going. “I do want both you and Jaemin to be in it. And I know, I do remember the conversation we had last night, but, Jaemin doesn’t dislike you. I think he wouldn’t mind being in a piece with you. Is that okay?”

Renjun appreciated the fact that Donghyuck did have enough decency to ask him if it was fine if the both of them could be in it, but he was a little more worried about how awkward it would be between them. He was sure it would be a still atmosphere, literally, as he and Jaemin would be forced into some probably suggestive pose for a few hours while Donghyuck did… whatever it is that he does. And yes, Renjun did think Jaemin was attractive. In the back of his mind he really didn’t care about being put into that position with him for a while, knowing that they wouldn’t be able to move, but he needed to see the whole thing. If Jaemin had said yes, then what reason besides dignity did Renjun have to turn it down?

“Um, sure. That’s okay. Whatever it takes for art, I guess.” Renjun tried to flash a grin, and he supposed it worked because Donghyuck mirrored the expression.

“Great, that’s great to hear. I’m thinking tomorrow. Does that work?” Renjun nodded. “Perfect. I’m going to go talk to Jaemin about it, and if you decide you don’t want to do it anymore, just let me know. I won’t be mad.” Donghyuck politely smiled at him again, and stood up. Before he left though, he said one more thing. “And also, can you come by tonight?” Renjun just looked at him. “Not to do anything. Well, kind of, it’s… I’m just trying something new. We’re trying something new. Come by?”

“Yeah, okay.” Donghyuck nodded once more before he was onward bound towards Jaemin’s house. Renjun was left confused about the last statement, but decided that he would only be able to find out later tonight what it was. He settled back into the seat and let the sun warm his face once again.

It was later in the night when Renjun got the cue to walk across the yard to Donghyuck’s house. After he had gone in and ate dinner, he decided to sit back outside and enjoy the air, figuring there was no point in staying inside if he was going to be in someone else’s all night.

He listened to the sound on the ground under his feet as he walked over. Donghyuck was standing at is patio door waiting for him. He had a very simple outfit of black pants and a white shirt on. For some reason, Renjun was nervous.

“Hey, can you go upstairs? I’ll tell you a bit more up there. Thanks for coming.”

Maybe that was why he was nervous. Donghyuck had honestly failed to explain what was happening, and Renjun blindly agreed just because it was Donghyuck. Poor decision? Maybe. He could only find out if he actually went through with it, though.

He climbed the stairs alone as Donghyuck was still doing something on his patio. Renjun stood at the base of the steps for a moment, looking at the door that had slipped his mind the last few days. Whatever was down there was clearly so important and secretive that Donghyuck needed seven times the protection on the door. Some of the locks were sliding chains, some were twist locks, and some were padlocks that only a key could open. He felt an itch in him to know what was down there. He felt like whoever Donghyuck really was, was down there. He turned around and went up the stairs.

In Donghyuck’s room, now was the first chance he had ever really gotten to look around. Everything was so plain. For an artist, Renjun was surprised at the lack of life there was in here. The walls were white, as was most of the furniture along with his bedding. The area rug under his feet was also white, a shag material, and the thing that he could argue gave the room the most personality was the big canvas above his bed that was white, of course, but was littered with different colored handprints. It was an interesting piece, and he wondered if Donghyuck himself made it. It was still an odd choice of decoration. The one place that he could be himself in, and he went with plain white. It was a little odd.

He sat on the edge of Donghyuck’s bed, feeling like the other boy would have told him to do so anyway, and picked his phone up. He waited and waited until he came up, which was a while, nearly 30 minutes, and he was so curious as to what he could have possibly been doing down there that was taking this long. He sighed and laid back, and just kept waiting.

Eventually, he heard someone come up the stairs and he sat up to face them. Donghyuck walked through the door. His face was red.

“Listen,” he was whispering as he took Renjun’s hand to stand him up. “Don’t take this in any wrong way, okay?” Renjun didn’t answer, as he had no idea what to say about whatever was happening. “I told you that I’m not… I don’t like to settle down and I don’t like only being with one person at once. I’m not pushing you aside, though, okay?” Donghyuck nodded at him. Renjun didn’t move. “I just… I want to try something. Would you be willing to be a part of it? Not physically, though.” Renjun gulped. He didn’t know if he liked where this was going. Donghyuck took a deep breath in and looked behind hm. He was standing in front of his closet which was next to the bed. The closet had two louvered wooden doors on it, with slats in them from top to bottom. It finally clicked in his mind. Donghyuck was already backing out of the room, and Renjun couldn’t move. “I need you to hide. Just hide in the closet, everything will be fine, I promise. Can you do that, please?” But he didn’t wait for an answer to leave his bedroom.

Renjun was frozen in place. He could not believe this was happening. What kind of a person was Donghyuck after all? He was an exhibitionist using Renjun as a participant before he even knew any of this was happening. He was now cornered in Donghyuck’s room with no way out and only one place to go (the closet), and he couldn’t run away and didn’t have many choices of what to do (the main choice being he would just have to watch). He panicked as he heard voices getting louder and footsteps hitting the bannister of the steps. If they came in and Renjun was still standing there, it would be awkward for everyone involved, and just that thought alone made Renjun cringe into oblivion, so he sucked up his pride and ducked into the closet.

The door opened and he had his stomach in his throat even though he wasn’t even involved. He was crouched down under the hanging shirts in Donghyuck’s closet and he was leaning against the back wall. He realized he could see way too clearly everything that was about to happen, and he couldn’t help but think that this had been set up in advance.

The door was shut behind someone and then someone was thrown onto the bed. Renjun hadn’t even had a chance to think about the biggest implication of all of this which was who exactly was Donghyuck having sex with? The answer was obvious now, but in his slew of thoughts twenty seconds ago, he hadn’t even thought about it. He saw Jaemin get tossed down onto the bed, and he wanted to throw up. Why did Donghyuck want him to watch so bad? What was unsatisfactory in the way he and Donghyuck interacted that Donghyuck needed more from Jaemin? Was Jaemin watching when they had sex?

That thought made Renjun choke up, and he felt all too nauseous. Was Jaemin watching? Is that why Jaemin had been so rude to him? No, couldn’t have been, he hadn’t even talked to Jaemin after they had sex, it wouldn’t be possible. Plus, if he was there, Donghyuck or Renjun hadn’t gotten off of the bed for another few hours after they finished, there was no way he could have snuck out without Renjun seeing him. This thought comforted him somewhat as it would be hard to have hidden Jaemin for that long. He felt the bile go down, but his head was still a mess.

He watched as Donghyuck slid a hand up Jaemin’s shirt and connected his teeth to his neck, hearing Jaemin sigh in pleasure. Donghyuck was being rougher with Jaemin, and while Renjun could remember feeling nothing but euphoria during their time together, he was almost jealous of the way Donghyuck was treating him. There was something inside of Renjun that wanted to be treated like that, the way he had a hold on his throat for so long Renjun didn’t understand how Jaemin hadn’t passed out yet, the way the two were practically wrestling just to get the higher ground.

Donghyuck had ended up on top and his hand was no longer choking the other boy. Neither of them had shirts on, and their pants were hanging dangerously low around their waste lines. They were both already gleaming with a sheen of sweat. Renjun, with his hands of either side of his head to protect his sanity, watched as Donghyuck took one of Jaemin’s hands and brought it up to his neck, right where the center of his collarbones were. Renjun could only assume that Donghyuck told him to apply pressure, probably with his fingernail or something, as he hissed when he dragged it down the center of his torso and breathed heavily.

Renjun, ashamed at the realization, could not take his eyes off of Jaemin. There was something so seductive about the look he had in his eyes, the way they looked so dark with passion, Renjun almost wished it were him instead of Donghyuck. Renjun knew Jaemin was attractive, he wasn’t blind, but he had never seen him I this light. He was toned from what Renjun could see, and his skin looked so smooth, it made Renjun’s mouth water like some kind of nymphomaniac. In the back of his mind, a thought surfaced, a fantasy, where Jaemin would look at him like that. He wished that Jaemin would have that look in his eye when he looked at Renjun. Renjun closed his eyes and his head fell forward.

He was in a fucking closet being a voyeur to people he met a week ago. The longer he sat there, he wasn’t sure if they would ever finish, they took so long, participating in multiple pain inducing foreplay that Renjun wanted to burst out of the closet and run back to his house. His eyes were burning, not in a kind of way where he was too innocent to witness this, but just from being help open for too long. They were taking too long. And Renjun knew he was going to have to watch the whole thing.

They finally started. Renjun felt a weird sensation in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t explain. He wanted to look away so bad but his eyes were glued to the scene. There were wooden bars obstructing his view but he could see with perfect clarity, the two being rough with each other, grips so tight he was sure there were bruises underneath. The lewd sounds spilling from Jaemin’s mouth were a marvel to hear, Renjun put his head back, not knowing if he could bear to watch anymore, and listened to the harmony that Donghyuck’s breathing became with Jaemin’s.

The sounds of the whole room were something to seriously take in, Renjun never thought that he would have seen himself in this position. He didn’t know why Donghyuck wanted him to watch. Did he want him to see how different it was with Jaemin than with him? Did he want him to see just how intense the two can get? Was this their first time? Had they had sex more than once? Renjun started spiraling after these questions appeared in his mind and he wanted to leave. He wanted to leave so bad, but every second he was reminded of what was happening in front of him and he couldn’t look away, no, he couldn’t no matter how hard he tried to. He couldn’t look away…

They were finishing, and Donghyuck had his hand deep in Jaemin’s hair, but it didn’t seem like it hurt the boy at all, he was moaning through every second of it. Donghyuck was so vocal, it made Renjun feel a stem of jealousy grow, knowing that wasn’t how he was when they had sex, so what was so different now? What was different?

They got up after a few minutes, both redressed and they headed downstairs, and as soon as he heard them hit the landing at the bottom, he got out, not caring if he made any noise. His knees almost gave out at the sudden movement. He stood up, took a minute to collect himself, and listened. He heard Donghyuck shut the patio door, but no other voices came from inside the house. He assumed Jaemin had left. He heard Donghyuck make his way back up the stairs. Renjun beat him to it.

He rounded the door just as Donghyuck was coming in.

“You’re a fucking psycho!” Renjun said, right in his face. Donghyuck took it. “What the hell was that? You just wanted me to watch? You wanted me to sit there and watch you fuck Jaemin? What was the point?”

Donghyuck didn’t make a move to calm Renjun by touching him like he usually does. “I know. I just wanted to try it. I wanted you to watch. Did you not like it?”

“I don’t know how I could feel any kind of pleasure from not being involved, so I don’t even know how I would answer that. I don’t know. Obviously, it was weird. Sitting there watching that whole thing was weird.” Donghyuck nodded. “Why are you into that?”

“I wasn’t before. But I knew you were watching. I’m not like that usually, trust me, you saw me when we were together, you know that.” Donghyuck got closer, and Renjun let him. “I knew you were watching. It was such a rush,” Donghyuck grinned. “Knowing you were watching the whole thing, fuck. I just wanted you to watch. I wanted you to see.”

Renjun didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what to say. He could feel something, some sort of reaction that Donghyuck’s words had elicited, and he didn’t know why, but it felt sincere for some reason. Did Donghyuck only put him there for the reason to watch? Did Donghyuck put on that whole show for Renjun? Did Donghyuck even want to fuck Jaemin at all?

“What are you thinking? Tell me.” Donghyuck whispered.

Renjun wanted to say Jaemin. Why was he thinking about Jaemin, he really didn’t know—he had no answer for that one himself. He wanted to say Jaemin’s body, Jaemin’s gaze, Jaemin’s moaning, everything Jaemin, but why? He wanted to say the sex. He was thinking about the both of them in his bed writhing, he wanted to say nothing but the way the muscles flexed over their lean bodies and their skin conformed with it.

“Everything.” He whispered back. It wasn’t a lie.

“Is that bad? Can I tell you something?” Renjun looked at Donghyuck and saw such a fervor behind his eyes that he had never seen before. He was almost afraid. “I wasn’t thinking about him.”

Renjun just stared at him, and he felt his knees go weak again. Why was he so easily a target for Donghyuck? Why did he get so emotional when he said things like this? Why did he—no. He couldn’t think things like this right now. He focused at the conversation at hand.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” Donghyuck mumbled, but his face remained the same, no hint of aggravation like the tone would suggest. “There’s something about you. I couldn’t tell if I liked the idea that you were watching more or if I wanted it to be you instead, but shit, when I knew you were there in the end…” He exhaled with a grin. “It was one of the best highs I’ve ever felt.”

“Why are you like this?” Renjun asked despite the tumbling in his stomach that the statement left. He would have to unpack the meaning of it fully later tonight.

“I don’t know, I like the thrill. I like being weird. I’m into the shit that a lot of people are afraid to try, they don’t want anyone to watch them fuck but I do. Something about it… I don’t know. I want to blame you, you know. You did something to me, now I think about you so much more than I used to.”

“Used to?”

“You were quiet when we first met, not the bad kind, but now you’re different. I can’t explain it. Something changed. You’re enticing to me. You know?” No, he didn’t. But he nodded anyway. He didn’t think he had changed that much, but Donghyuck apparently saw something huge shift. Renjun didn’t feel any different. “I’m sorry if this was too much for you. I just wanted to try it.”

Renjun didn’t know what to say to that. Yes, it was too much, but he didn’t want to make Donghyuck feel bad. He didn’t want to say it was fine, because he didn’t know if he wanted to do it again. Donghyuck put him in a weird position, but oddly enough, Renjun was comfortable there. Just as long as Donghyuck stayed.

Before he left his house, Donghyuck reminded him to come to his house tomorrow for the painting. Renjun remembered that both he and Jaemin were supposed to model, and he was nervous. How could he face Jaemin after what he just watched? How could Jaemin face him after he knew he was watching? Renjun didn’t even want to think about anything that could possibly happen tomorrow, saving the anxiety for the real deal.

Renjun could barely sleep. He didn’t want to have to take more Ambien, because he had been doing fine without it, but eventually he gave in, he knew he would be up all night if he didn’t. Luckily, that night there was no sleepwalking, and he woke up in his bed. He figures he fell asleep very easily with how much stress he was under.

He found that he was avoiding the patio all day. He didn’t want to be spotted by either of his neighbors ushering him out of the house just to be a nude model even sooner than he was anticipating. He walked carefully by the windows to make sure either one of them weren’t crossing the yard and weren’t approaching his house. He didn’t feel much in the mood to talk to either of them, and he could rationally cancel on Donghyuck, because he said he could pull out if he was uncomfortable, but he knew he still wanted to, deep down. He didn’t want to abandon Donghyuck, because he knew Donghyuck wanted him there. That was probably the only thing that was convincing Renjun that he would still go.

He sat in his room, away from the kitchen and was really hoping that he could go a long time before someone came knocking on his door. He debated ignoring it, but he didn’t want to be rude. A voice in the back of his mind told him he had the right to be rude, especially after what he went through yesterday, but he knew Donghyuck didn’t mean for it to be an uncomfortable experience for Renjun, even though it was. Renjun wasn’t mad at Donghyuck, after all the thinking he did last night. Donghyuck wanted to try something new, and yes, he did get plenty of fair warning. Truthfully, Renjun didn’t want to be mad at Donghyuck, because he liked the boy and he wanted to spend time with him. Even though it would be burned into the back of his brain forever, he put the memory of last night aside and tried to focus on the day ahead of him.

He reluctantly got up to the kitchen when he heard a knock on his door about three hours past noon. It was Donghyuck.

“Hey, you didn’t answer my text.” Donghyuck said as Renjun stepped out onto the patio, ready to follow Donghyuck back to his house. Truth was, Renjun did see his text, but he didn’t want to answer. He didn’t know why he felt like that.

“I took a nap, I’m sorry.”

“No problem. Did I wake you up?” Renjun shook his head no and they left his house, headed to Donghyuck’s. Renjun didn’t ask if Jaemin was already there, figuring he would find out for himself once they stepped in. Renjun swallowed his nerves and followed Donghyuck upstairs to his studio. There, Jaemin was sitting on one of the stools behind an easel and waiting.

“I’m going to get some shit together from downstairs and then I’ll be back up to tell you guys what to do and set up, just hang on for a second.” Donghyuck disappeared, and it was just the two alone. Renjun found it hard to stand in the room with him after what had happened yesterday. He wondered if Jaemin thought the same.

He looked handsome, Renjun had to admit, in a plain graphic t-shirt and jeans, not that the outfit mattered much as he was sure they would be taking their clothes off. Jaemin made no move to say anything to Renjun, and Renjun realized he was probably still mad at him. Petty reason to be mad, but that’s just the person Jaemin was, he supposed.

Renjun looked around the studio. It was a cute setup that he had here, much better than his pottery one, here and back home. He had backdrops of different colors handing from two tall poles on the wall, and currently was displaying a baby pink color, a light with a soft box on another pole, multiple easels and stools. Renjun couldn’t imagine how many stools he needed, and he was unsure of why there were so many. There was a plain gray couch to the side, and he assumed that Donghyuck would move it in front of the backdrops once he came back up. Renjun looked over to Jaemin who was still on his phone, and could have sworn he saw his eyes dart back down to it when Renjun looked over. Neither of them said anything.

Donghyuck came back up after a few minutes with a clear container full of tubes of paint and set it on one of the stools. He then looked towards the two of them.

“Can you guys help me out for a second?” Jaemin stood up. “Let’s just move this right in front here, don’t worry about how close it is, it doesn’t matter. The three worked to push the surprisingly light sofa against the pink wall, still a good enough distance away as to not damage the bottom of the hanging backdrops.

“Are you guys ready?” Donghyuck asked, and while Jaemin had verbally said something in response, Renjun just nodded, but he felt so stiff he wasn’t sure if he actually did or not. “Okay, let’s start with both of you guys taking your shirts off.”

Jaemin wasted no time in putting his phone down and getting to work, while Donghyuck paid little attention as he prepped his palette. Renjun stayed rooted to his spot and tenderly lifted his shirt over his head, looking down to fold it right side out and throw it to the side. He was horrified by what he saw, the ugly, now yellowing hickeys that Donghyuck had left all over his upper body, the lowest one being visible right by his bellybutton. Renjun instinctively turned around and fought the urge to put his shirt back on. He pretended like he was fucking with something on his shirt, but knew he could no longer hide when Donghyuck started instructing them.

Renjun turned around as Donghyuck was throwing a white sheet over the couch, telling Renjun that he was going to have him laying down with his head on the left side of the couch. He listened to what he was saying, but caught the not-so-subtle look Jaemin was giving him. He was staring at Renjun’s marked skin, not even trying to be discreet about it, and Renjun’s whole body felt like it was on fire. He had to look away when Jaemin met his eyes again, Renjun wanted to cry, but he held it in like a big boy.

Renjun got down in the position he was told, leaving one knee up and feeling his muscles relax, only slightly, as he laid down. He told Jaemin to get on top of him, and he did. Renjun was getting anxious now with Jaemin so close to him, he felt all of the emotion he felt yesterday coming back and pummeling him at high speeds. Jaemin got on top of him and Renjun’s ears blocked out Donghyuck’s voice as he just watched the man above him get closer until their faces were almost touching.

Donghyuck grabbed Renjun’s hand and put it on the side of Jaemin’s face, the side facing Donghyuck, and Renjun felt like he could no longer think straight. Donghyuck stepped back and observed the pose, he told them to hold still, and then he started.

Renjun wasn’t sure exactly what was going through his mind, only because he was thinking so many things at once. He could feel the body heat from Jaemin, and even though he wasn’t looking over he could feel Donghyuck’s eyes on him, but he knew he had to, just to sketch them down, as he had explained earlier. He avoided looking Jaemin in the eyes, but a few minutes after he started doing that, he realized there weren’t many other places to look. He couldn’t move his head to look down or to either side, and he didn’t want to close his eyes, as he knew Jaemin could see him and it would be weird to just… close his eyes.

Eventually, he looked up. Jaemin was looking at him, of course, but staring into his eyes. Renjun felt an odd tension between them in that moment, but there was nothing that either of them could do about it, as they weren’t allowed to move, and Renjun was honestly confused on if Jaemin even liked him or not.

Then, like a curse, he thought of yesterday. He remembered all of the emotions he saw Jaemin go through, and also all the emotions he himself felt. Seeing Jaemin in such a vulnerable state and thinking of exactly that while looking into his eyes, he felt his body heat up and he knew he needed to stop thinking about it… or else. Jaemin was right here, right on top of him, there was no way he could hide his excitement. He was desperate to think of something else, he couldn’t let himself be subjected to such embarrassing moments in front of both Jaemin and Donghyuck. He was almost forgetting that the other boy was still in the room.

Renjun had his right hand on Jaemin’s face, as per Donghyuck’s instructions, and he could quickly feel his arm going numb with the lack of blood flow. He needed to lower it so bad, but while he knew he couldn’t, he also didn’t want to disconnect his hand from Jaemin, reveling in the contact between the two.

In his head, he thought of the scenario between them, Renjun’s hand in the same position as it was, and their faces were coming closer together, connecting in a kiss—why did Renjun put himself in these positions? He adjusted awkwardly, trying to make sure the only point of contact between the two was the hand on the face. He really wished Donghyuck couldn’t see his discomfort. He was glad that he wore jeans.

He wondered what Jaemin thought about all the hickeys on his chest. He noticed that Donghyuck hadn’t given any to Jaemin, did Donghyuck only want Renjun to have them? Did he think that Jaemin wouldn’t look as good with them? What if Jaemin thought it was tacky? Did he think Renjun was gross for it?

Why did it matter?

He felt a puff of Jaemin’s breath on his face, and he felt so tired in that moment. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was laying down, if he didn’t get enough sleep, or if the overwhelming anxiety of the situation was taking a toll on him. He was itching to get up and stretch out, but he lost track of time, and he wasn’t sure when Donghyuck would let them take a break. He needed one now, he knew.

“Okay,” Donghyuck had spoken up right on Renjun’s mental cue, and he wondered for a split second if Donghyuck was psychic. “I finished the rough sketch so you guys can chill for a minute, I’ll be right back. I’ll bring you guys some water.” Donghyuck got up, and Jaemin lifted himself off of Renjun. He sat back on his heels, and Renjun didn’t have the immediate energy to move.

“Did Donghyuck give you those?” Jaemin wasted no time in getting out what he wanted to say, and Renjun looked at him for a moment, tried to read his expression (and assumed it was a mix of confusion and anger, but he couldn’t be sure), and sat up while turning away. He didn’t answer. “I don’t care. I’m just curious.”

Renjun huffed quietly. “Who else would it have been?” Renjun turned his back to Jaemin, scrolling through his phone but not paying attention to anything he was seeing.

“I don’t know, just asking. I didn’t know you guys were fucking like that.” He didn’t hear Jaemin move at all, so he assumed he was still in the same position that Renjun left him in.

Renjun gulped. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to have this conversation. “We’re not.” He said after a beat of silence. Technically it was true, they had only had sex once and Donghyuck had never said to Renjun that he wants to do it again, despite telling him that he pictures Renjun’s face over Jaemin’s body, but Renjun wasn’t about to say that to him.

“You’re not?” Renjun finally tuned around, seeing Jaemin exactly how he expected. Renjun mustered up the courage to hold eye contact.

“No, it was only once.”

There was silence for a second again. “Are you disappointed by that?”

Renjun didn’t know how to answer. He hadn’t thought about that one, honestly. Was he disappointed by the fact that it was only once? He didn’t know if he wanted to fuck Donghyuck again, and while he probably would, he had never felt a dying want to do it again. He just shrugged. “You aren’t bothered that we both are apparently fucking him like that?”

Jaemin was quiet. Renjun looked over, and it looked like he was at a loss for words. He slowly shook his head. “W—we aren’t.”

Renjun just stared at him. “You and Donghyuck?” Jaemin shook his head. “But—I was there.” Jaemin’s expression became unreadable. “Didn’t Donghyuck tell you?” Renjun sat up frantically now. “Did he not say anything to you?” Jaemin didn’t move. “I… watched. I was there.” Jaemin’s face was a mix of shock and… nothing at the same time. His mouth was slightly agape, and while Renjun was questioning to himself why Jaemin was lying about not sleeping with Donghyuck, he was more worried about the fact that Donghyuck didn’t tell Jaemin that Renjun would be watching.

“He didn’t tell you? Jaemin, say something, did he not tell you?”

“No. You were watching?” Just as Renjun was about to open his mouth, Donghyuck came back up and into the room, putting water bottles down by the side of his easel and sitting in the stool. He seemed oblivious to the tension in the room.

“Okay, let’s get back to it, guys. Only a little longer, then I think I’ll have enough to work off of.” He looked up at the two who didn’t move. He raised an eyebrow and shook his head as if to say ‘what are you doing?’. His expression slowly fell when neither of them moved and only stared at each other. Renjun was afraid of what was going to happen. “What?” Donghyuck asked to Jaemin, who looked furious at him.

“You can’t be fucking serious, Donghyuck. You didn’t tell me that Renjun watched us have sex. What is wrong with you?” At the confrontation, Renjun didn’t know who to watch. He watched Jaemin, who looked pissed off, and he looked at Donghyuck, whose eyes grew dark.

“I did tell you,” Donghyuck didn’t move, but for some reason Renjun could feel his anger building up inside of him. He was scared to move. “You must have forgotten.”

“No, I didn’t fucking forget. I would have remembered something like that. Why would you do that? Did you tell him that I knew?” Jaemin stood up now, but Donghyuck stayed sitting. He just turned his head to follow the other boy. Renjun’s stomach sank when Donghyuck looked at him and didn’t look away when he spoke back to Jaemin.

“He didn’t ask.” For the first time ever, Renjun felt afraid of Donghyuck. He was not the person who he had been introduced to, this Donghyuck was a totally different person. Renjun wanted nothing to do with this side of Donghyuck. He needed to leave.

“No,” Jaemin started. “Don’t blame him, this is on you. If you would even suggest something that crazy of course he would assume that it was consensual between the three of us, which it wasn’t. Why didn’t you say anything?” Donghyuck quirked an eyebrow and looked back at Jaemin. Renjun was nauseous with the anxiety at this point.

Donghyuck said nothing. Renjun didn’t know what to think anymore, he was on Jaemin’s side here, he really thought that Donghyuck had told Jaemin, and he was sick when he realized that he didn’t.

“You’re fucking crazy! Who the fuck even are you? You’re so two faced, such a different person to the both of us that neither of us know who you are. What the fuck are you hiding? What makes you think you’re so important that you can’t be fucking honest?” Renjun tried to hold in his gasp as best his could, but it still fell past his lips at the same moment tears fell from both eyes. He didn’t know when they accumulated, but he knew that once he started, he couldn’t stop. He leaned down and grabbed his shirt, feeling much to exposed for this situation and hastily put it on. He could see Donghyuck watching him, but Jaemin had his eyes deadest on the other boy.

Renjun, for some reason, felt was too exposed in that room, even after putting his shirt back on. He didn’t want Donghyuck to look at him, because he felt that the boy had a talent of being able to see right through him, to read his mind. He didn’t want Donghyuck knowing anything he was thinking, which was namely that he needed to get out of the house, and he needed to bring Jaemin with him. Why did he need to leave, too? Renjun could let them battle it out themselves. He wasn’t letting himself do that, he couldn’t leave Jaemin there. He knew he couldn’t. Not with the look Donghyuck had in his eyes.

Donghyuck didn’t get a chance to say anything before Renjun grabbed Jaemin’s arm and rushed out of the room, his shirt in his hands. Tears were blurring his vision, but he still managed to find his way around the house successfully to find his way back to the patio and the outdoors. He gasped loudly when they reached the fresh air.

“Fuck, what the fuck.” Renjun couldn’t say anything in response to Jaemin’s cursing. His mind was everywhere and he was focused on just getting home. He was numb to almost everything, he could barely feel the gravel under his bare feet. He couldn’t care less about his shoes.

“I’m sorry, Jaemin, I needed to leave, I didn’t want to be there.” He said through his tears. “I didn’t want you to be there alone, I don’t know, he could have done anything, I don’t know.” Jaemin grabbed Renjun’s shoulders to force him to stop walking. They were right in front of Renjun’s patio door.

“Calm down, okay? I’m sorry for stressing you out and yelling. Stop crying. Come on, let’s go inside.” Jaemin took his shirt back from Renjun and led them both into his house. Renjun wiped the tears harder than he meant to, leaving his face slightly burning. They sat on the couch of the family room.

Renjun pulled his knees to his chest and desperately tried to stop hi crying, the fear slowly leaving once he realize he was in the safety of his own home, and feeling even safer with Jaemin next to him.

“Listen, I’m sorry for yelling, stop crying, okay?” Renjun tried his best. “I’m not mad at you. I know you think I am, Donghyuck probably made it look like that, and I’m sure I even did, I’m not. Clearly now,” Jaemin let a pause go by. Renjun’s hysteria was slowing now, listening to him talk. “You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s fucked, he’s sick. It’s not your fault that you were there.” Renjun just shook his head, not knowing what to say.

“I just…” Renjun started, despite having no words. “I don’t know. I’ just… scared of him. From the start, I knew there was something else. There have been weird moments that I knew something was wrong but could never put anything together.”

“Like what?” Jaemin asked innocently.

Renjun licked his lips, trying to sort through his frantic mind. “The Jeno thing. He was so weird about it, even if what he said made sense, that he just talks like that. That’s not a mistake that people make.” Jaemin nodded. “And… have you seen his house?” Jaemin nodded again. “All of it?” He shook his head. “He has a basement. Have you seen the basement door?” Another head shake. “I saw it one day when I let myself in. It’s all the way to the back of the house behind the kitchen. It had seven fucking locks on it.” He whispered the last part, almost afraid to say it, like he was going to be trapped down there if he spoke too loud. Jaemin raised an eyebrow.

“Locks?”

“Yes, latches and switches and a padlock. I found it when I let myself in and he caught me looking at it and didn’t even address it. It freaked me out so bad, it always pops into my head at the most random moments. When I’m thinking about who he is as a person I see the fucking door in my head, like what is down there? Why is it so secure?” He shook his head in confusion. “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.”

“Don’t think about it. Just… if you’re scared, stay away from him. He’s a fucking psycho.”

“But am I safe here? Are you? What if he did something to Jeno? What if he does the same thing to us?”

Jaemin was quiet for a second. “Just be careful. I think it’s better if you left soon.”

“What about you? Don’t you live here now?” Renjun asked him. He found himself being worried about the other boy’s wellbeing, scared of whatever Donghyuck could do, knowing the fact that both of them had been here for much shorter of a time than Donghyuck. They didn’t know the area that well, the people, or what kind of publicity this place had. They didn’t know what Donghyuck knew he could get away with.

“No, I’m staying for only a month. I’ll arrange leaving, but you should go sooner. This place is fucking weird.” Renjun silently agreed. Jaemin was quiet for a second, letting his last statement sink in. He looked over at Renjun, who was sitting still and looking elsewhere. “Why did you freak out? It didn’t seem like he was going to do anything. Granted, I know he’s crazy for what happened, but, he seemed nonchalant about everything.”

Renjun shook his head. He didn’t know how to explain it, he just felt in his guts that Donghyuck could have done something to Jaemin if he didn’t drag him out with him. “I don’t know. It was just a weird feeling. Maybe nothing would have happened, maybe I just overreacted and you guys would have sorted this out and been totally fine at the end of the day. I don’t know. I just felt like I had to.”

“Well,” Jaemin said gently. “It’s touching that you worried about my safety enough to chance us making up. Even though I’m sure that would not have happened. What did he say to you? Yesterday.”

Renjun’s stomach twisted, he didn’t really want to talk about yesterday, he didn’t want to spiral through all of the emotions he felt again, he didn’t need Jaemin to know about any of that. The question was fine, but he needed to stray away from answering with anything along the lines of how Renjun was feeling. He would bask in the shame of that himself.

“He just told me he wanted to try something. He asked me to hide and that it would be fun. He just kept saying he wanted to try it.”

Jaemin sighed and didn’t say anything else. They both sat back against the couch, listening to nothing except each other. Renjun was so tired, despite it being late afternoon, his body was aching and he was desperate to shut his brain down. He wanted to go to bed, but he was scared to be alone. He needed the company, but at the same time, he didn’t want the company to be Jaemin. Not that Renjun had anything against him, and certainly not that he preferred Donghyuck’s, but all he would be able to think about is what he saw take place the other night. He was sure he wouldn’t fall asleep if Jaemin were next to him. He would have to risk the night by himself.

“You know, Renjun,” Jaemin interrupted his thought process. “I’m glad you were looking out for me. Even if it was just a spur of the moment, don’t know why you did it but you did anyway type of thing, I’m glad you did.” Renjun nodded, looking over at him. Jaemin was biting his bottom lip. Renjun couldn’t pull his eyes from the action. “I feel like now, since everything has shifted so suddenly, it’s crazy, but, it’s like, I think Donghyuck was planting shit in our heads about each other. And I’ll take the blame for actually being an asshole to you. I don’t know why I was. It was a stupid thing that I said, and in the end, I was only sticking up for someone hat I really don’t know even cared if I did it at all. The fact that you thought of me before leaving…” Jaemin paused, and Renjun felt a pain in his chest. “I almost don’t think I deserved it for being who I was.”

Renjun chewed on his lips, trying to figure out how to answer this. It wasn’t that he had any hate for Jaemin, and the possibility of any negative emotions being planted in their minds seemed very probable at this moment. He could only forgive Jaemin for being a big enough person to admit his wrongdoings.

“I don’t hate you. Or dislike you, or anything. You helped me with my head when I passed out. It’s all I could do in return.” Renjun was still looking at Jaemin when the other boy turned his head to make eye contact. “Even if it was just a freak out moment thing, I would rather not see you hurt because of it.”

Jaemin slightly shook his head. “You’re a good person, Renjun.” He whispered. “How did we end up here?” Renjun shook his head, too. “I’ll leave tomorrow with you. I’ll pack my shit and I’ll throw it all in my car and we’ll go. I can’t let you stay here anymore. We’ll get out of this fucking mess.”

Renjun felt tears prick his eyes. Why? He didn’t know. He was touched, he guessed, by the way Jaemin had a character change. The way Jaemin seemed to worry exclusively about Renjun rather than his own safety, making sure that Renjun left safely. He looked down, urging himself not to be emotional in such a horrible time. He felt Jaemin put a hand on his thigh, and Renjun took a deep inhale to steady himself. He looked up at Jaemin, and he knew the other boy was able to see his slightly damp eyes.

“I’m…” Renjun started. He needed to move on with the conversation. But, “I’m so tired.” Was all he could say. He shook his head and went to stand up. He heard Jaemin follow suit, he didn’t know why he did the same thing, but he supposed that Jaemin was at a loss as well.

“Rest, then. Sit down, or whatever, relax. I’m going home for now while it’s still light out, but,” Jaemin looked through Renjun’s kitchen window as they walked into the room. He stood by the sink, Renjun could tell he was looking at Donghyuck’s house. “I’ll be back later. I… don’t want you to be alone. Lock everything when I’m gone. I’ll be back around 10.” Renjun just stood there as Jaemin let himself out, and he didn’t hesitate to lock both the patio door and the kitchen door. He was in his own home, but he felt so unsafe. Probably the first time he had felt that since he arrived.

He sat in his kitchen, so many thoughts crowding his head that he could focus on none of them at a time. He knew that he was worried for Jaemin. Why? He wasn’t so sure. Donghyuck was an anomaly. Renjun really had no idea what type of person Donghyuck was, he didn’t know anything about his family, or what city he used to live in, or anything about him except for he lives on a lake and is an artist. And that basement…

Renjun wanted to know what was down there so bad, but after feeling the way he felt in there today, there would be no way he would think about trying to find out for himself. Worst case scenario, Donghyuck locks him down there. Then what? Renjun didn’t want to think about it.

He walked to his room, being cautious and shutting every other door in the hallway for no other reason than he was scared to look into the dark rooms and see something he doesn’t want to. He didn’t know why he was thinking about Donghyuck suddenly appearing at his house out of nowhere, it was impossible as he locked up all entrance points and he was currently doing his best to isolate himself. Still, he worried.

He didn’t know how much time had passed. He was too afraid to even get food from his kitchen in fear that someone would have made their way into his house. He didn’t want to chance it.

Renjun almost wishes that none of this even happened, because if it didn’t, then he wouldn’t be so afraid right now, for his own safety but also for Jaemin’s. He wouldn’t be cooped up in his room afraid to come out in case, God forbid, an intruder was standing there and he was stabbed in cold blood. He wished he had pulled out of the offer to model, so that he and Jaemin never would have got to talking and Jaemin never would have found out that Renjun watched he and Donghyuck have sex, Jaemin never would have blown up and Renjun never would have unreasonably feared for their lives. He wished he had picked another location to get away. He should have gone to the other option he thought of, the mountains up north. Would that have been equally worse? No, he looked at the photos online. There weren’t any neighbors for a good half mile.

But, he was here now. This he could not change, no matter how bad he wanted to. He thought of Jaemin. He wondered if the other boy was okay. He hadn’t heard from him yet, and there was no knocking on his door, and when he looked at his phone for the first time in a few hours, he realized that it was nearly 10. Where was Jaemin?

Renjun hesitantly got up and walked down the hallway, feeling slightly relieved when he saw all the doors he had previously closed hadn’t moved. The floor creaked with his steps, and he hated that it was the only thing adding to the ambiance, but he pushed through and walked into the kitchen.

Everything was dark, but he didn’t want to turn any lights on, in fear that it would attract attention to himself. He looked out his kitchen window, noticing that Donghyuck’s house was dark. He looked to the right, and saw that Jaemin’s house was dark as well. Did he fall asleep? Did he decide not to come? Renjun was worried.

As quietly as he could, he unlocked the latches to his kitchen door and stepped out, cursing heavily to himself when the creak of the hinges was louder than he expected.

He stood on the patio, not wanting to go any further than this, knowing he was behind at least one locked door. He looked around. It was a full moon, and the light was being reflected onto the lakes surface. It was strange, how much light it gave off. He supposed with no light pollution of a city or suburban area, it was much brighter. He marveled at it for a moment, letting himself relax for a few seconds.

The sound of the water lapping the shore reminded him of a few days prior, when he sat outside and just enjoyed the scenery. Before everything went to shit.

He didn’t want to leave, truthfully. He wished he could enjoy the last two weeks here in peace, by himself, by the lake. He liked the little lake house he had chosen a few months ago, when leaving to come vacation here was the only thing he was looking forward to. Now he’s finding himself more eager to go back to his normal life.

He was almost sad about what was happening, that Donghyuck turned out to be such a strange person. He liked Donghyuck, at first. He liked Donghyuck a lot, if he was being honest with himself. He wondered if he would ever meet anyone like Donghyuck, in physical means. Donghyuck was one of the most attractive people that Renjun had ever had the pleasure of being introduced to, of being involved with. It felt like a once in a lifetime experience to be living in this moment, knowing Donghyuck, having had relations with Donghyuck. It felt like if he tried to tell his friends that he met someone so attractive, they wouldn’t believe him. Not only met, but also been physical with. It probably seemed like Renjun’s nose would be growing by the second if he tried to tell them that.

He knew, though, that he would have to keep this all to himself. How would he be able to explain the story of Donghyuck to his friends? How he met this guy who had seemingly no filter and no sense of shame in anything that he did, turned out to be so… strange? It was sketchy how Renjun fell in head first into the world of someone who he didn’t know anything about just because he was attractive. Renjun couldn’t even believe himself when he realized he was doing this.

Would it even be worth it? Trying to go back to normal after Donghyuck?

Renjun thought of Jaemin. Would they keep in touch? Renjun kind of hoped he would. Would he be selfish in wishing that they would grow close over time? Could they be what Renjun knew he and Donghyuck could never? He wasn’t selfish. He wanted to be with Jaemin.

Renjun forgave to easily, but he was also good at reading people when he needed to. He felt that Jaemin was being sincere with his apology. Especially since after the voyeurism stunt Donghyuck pulled, it made Renjun look like the good guy. He had no reason to be labelled bad, but he was glad that Jaemin didn’t see him as a threat, if he ever did. Renjun liked Jaemin. He knew this. Did he like him like he liked Donghyuck? Probably, also yes. So, why would he be selfish? He was just being hopeful.

In the middle of the lake somewhere, he heard a loud splash of water. While the moon was aiding in his vision, he still had to strain his eyes to see past his screen. He approached, getting as close to the screen as he could. He was still cautious of making any noise.

He could see a long figure in the middle of the lake, he assumed it was someone on a canoe, he was a little puzzled as to why anyone would be rowing so late at night, but with the moon this high and bright, he supposed this would be the night to do it.

The canoe was rocking pretty violently, he could tell in the dim lighting. It was rowed further out into the middle of the lake, and it seemed that the person in charge could not keep it steady. He was getting a bit concerned for them, wondering if he would have to make a midnight mission to rescue someone from tipping into the lake. Until that happened, he stood at the screen, carefully watching to make sure they were alright.

They stopped right in the middle, conveniently in a ray of reflecting moonlight for Renjun to observe them. He kept looking to the right to see if any lights went on in Jaemin’s house and if he was making his way over to Renjun.

He looked back to the person on the lake, and Renjun squinted his eyes even harder to see what was happening. Once the person stopped, Renjun saw another pair of legs in the boat. He couldn’t see two people, but it seemed like one person was lying down. The person who was sitting upwards in the canoe bent over and brought something up—no, someone. Renjun felt an uneasy feeling in his stomach when he realized that it was someone else and it looked like they were struggling. He couldn’t peel his eyes away.

He assumed that the other person was now helping them sit up straight, much like they were, and steady the boat from rocking so much. Instead, Renjun held a gasp in when he saw someone go overboard. He put his hand over his mouth, shocked that this had happened, but didn’t do anything yet as the other person could save them.

As the other person, the one in the boat, was struggling to pull them back into safety, Renjun made a horrible realization. The person in the boat wasn’t saving them at all, they were actually holding them under. Renjun saw the other person’s hands come up and grasp their forearms, desperate for oxygen, clawing onto the last of their life. Renjun felt tears in his eyes and his stomach kept twisting at the horrible sight in front of him, but he was frozen in place. He couldn’t move, he was in such a state of shock. His hand was still covering his mouth and he furiously blinked when tears clogged his vision so he could see if anything else happened.

In a horrific last moment, he saw a hand erupt from under the water and grab at the collar of the other person’s shirt, stay there for a moment, then go limp. There was no more struggling. Renjun was nauseous.

He needed to run to his phone, he needed to go now, but he was terrified. He was absolutely terrified that he was now living on a murder scene. He needed to get the hell out of there and pretend like he never saw anything, he was a witness now. If he ran away, he was an accessory. His feet were bolted in place, he couldn’t take his eyes off of them in case they disappeared in the few seconds he was gone. He stayed still and watched. He followed the canoe with his eyes, saw them lift the person out of the water and back onto the boat. The boat rocked. The person paddled away, not creating any more noise or attracting attention—besides Renjun’s, he was already fully involved. His eyes grew wider and his eyes brimmed with tears again when the boat kept moving to the left, and more, and more, and docked in front of Donghyuck’s house.

Renjun took a step back, silent tears now cascading down his cheeks and mouth open in shock, but he couldn’t look away as much as he wanted to. He couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t seeing this. The flood light went on in Donghyuck’s backyard, and once coated by it, Renjun could see too clearly.

Donghyuck pulled the canoe to the shore. He pulled it as far in as he could before walking to the door on the side of the house that connected to the basement and opening it. He dragged a body by the arms out of the canoe, over the gravel, and into the door. The body was wearing the clothes that Renjun had last seen Jaemin in.

Renjun was silently sobbing now, feeling bile right on the edge of coming up, and he tried to move but he was stuck. He couldn’t stop watching, he needed to run, he needed to hide, he needed to leave. He wanted to cry, and scream, and hurt Donghyuck. He was confused, and scared, it was not hitting him yet that he had just killed someone. Not someone, Jaemin.

Donghyuck came out of the door and crunched on the gravel. He turned around and shut the door. Renjun took a huge gasp of air in and backed up, hitting his side table and toppling it over. He saw Donghyuck whip his head up, and Renjun forced himself with everything he had to move, and he ran inside, and locked the kitchen door.

His sobs were cutting the silence along with the shuffling of his feet on the floor, his instinct took over, and he grabbed a knife from the butcher block on the counter, backed against the wall and waited. And sure enough, Donghyuck’s face appeared in the window of the door.

Renjun’s tears were properly fogging his vision and he was sobbing so loud that he couldn’t tell if Donghyuck was saying anything. He didn’t want to hear whatever it was, though.

Renjun had the knife pointed outwards as a defense against Donghyuck if he were to come through the locked door, but he was sure he would be able to work around it if he did come in.

“Renjun,” Donghyuck’s voice was muffled by the glass, but Renjun could still hear. He sniffled and wiped his face on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. His hands were shaking. “It’s okay.” Renjun inhaled harshly and didn’t respond. There was no way Donghyuck thought he would buy that shit. “I’m not going to hurt you, Renjun.”

“Fuck off. Get away from me.” Renjun choked out, loud enough for Donghyuck to hear it. He shook his head. “Go away!”

“Renjun, listen to me.”

“No!” Renjun yelled. His hands were the furthest from steady, and he felt tears dripping down his neck and chest now. “You’re fucking crazy!” He knew Donghyuck could hear the way his voice was wavering.

“Renjun…” Donghyuck shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.

“Where is he?” Renjun demanded.

Donghyuck hesitated. “Who?”

“Don’t fuck around!” He sobbed. “Where is he?!”

Donghyuck shook his head again. “He’s with me. Don’t worry. He’s okay.” Renjun shook his head back. He was on the brink of hyperventilating.

Renjun opened his mouth to retaliate, but only started sobbing harder. His head hit the wall behind him, and he felt an endless waterfall of tears flow down his face. He hastily wiped them away with his sleeve again, every part of his body shaking with nerves and anger and despair.

“Jaemin… no, Jaemin,” He moaned. He shakily inhaled, then focused his attention back onto Donghyuck. “You hurt Jaemin, you sick fuck.” Another sob. “Fuck you! Fuck you! He didn’t fucking deserve it! I fucking hate you!” Renjun couldn’t control what he was saying, speaking through his emotions now. He felt his throat going raw from the crying and the yelling, but it wasn’t anything compared to the burn in his chest.

“No,” Donghyuck put his hand on the door’s glass pane. “He did deserve it. He was mean to you. He didn’t like you.”

“He did! He fucking did, you’re a liar! You’re a murderer! He didn’t deserve it!”

Donghyuck backed away, giving Renjun one last look. “He’s valuable to me, Renjun. I wouldn’t have hurt you. I loved you.” Renjun didn’t lower the knife nor did any of his hysterics stop when Donghyuck took a step back and left, down the patio steps and over the gravel. Renjun didn’t bother to get up and watch him go into his house, he stayed in the same position quite literally until sunrise.

His face was dripping with tears still, and his whole body felt sore and depleted. As he sat there, the sun slowly peeking up from in front of his house, he thought about Jaemin. Fuck. Jaemin was gone. Renjun didn’t have the energy to want to think about it, nor did he want to be sent into another crying session. But of course, he thought about it anyway.

Just hours ago, he was asking himself if he and Jaemin would ever be friends outside of this hellhole. He was wondering if they would ever get close, be together, he wondered if that was their destiny. It could have been, but it was not their fate.

Renjun felt a pang of guilt across his chest, feeling the physical pain of it. He wished it was him. Jaemin deserved to live. Jaemin shouldn’t be in Donghyuck’s basement right now, he should be in Renjun’s, packing up, and both of them leaving.

He wondered if Jaemin could see him right now. Salty tears clogging his tear ducts, gross snot dripping from his nose and body slumped against the wall, knife still in hand. If Donghyuck came back, would he fight back? Would he let Donghyuck take him? It would be easier than this pain, he supposed.

He shook his head, the stinging returning to his eyes. “I’m so fucking sorry.” He said out loud to no one, hoping Jaemin got the message. He hiccupped, and then cried some more.

With the sun did not come peace or harmony, just an overtired Renjun who rushed to put his shit together in his suitcase despite being awake for nearly 24 hours. He had done it before though, and he would need to utilize every last bit of his energy now, at least until he as a safe 30 miles away.

He was so lost on how everything went so wrong. It started fairly normal, and he had no one else to blame except Donghyuck. The person who he thought was a sincere, handsome, kind person was so wicked and cruel. Renjun didn’t want to know his secrets any longer. He had seen enough, and if it does get any worse than murder, he didn’t want to be at bay of it. Of whatever Donghyuck was capable of.

Renjun felt somewhat safer in the sunlight than he did in the void of the night. He spent the majority of the early morning hours packing what he brought, even the wheel and bucket of clay, and loaded everything into the car. He triple-checked everything. He wished he was leaving with Jaemin.

He did not spare a glance behind his as the car backed out of the driveway, he would not miss this place, or the memories, or the person it brought him. He only misses Jaemin. It hurts to think about, and he knew it would only get worse.

He hated Donghyuck, he truly did. He was a sick sociopath, he wished he had taken a liking to Jaemin a lot sooner. It would have saved him, he knows it would.

He whispered a ‘fuck’ to himself as he drove off, peeling down the unpaved road. He knew he would think of Jaemin every day until the pain got better, until he could cope. When that day came, Renjun knew, this would be a memory he wouldn’t touch for a very long time.

He gripped the steering wheel, and hit the gas. He had a long way home.


End file.
